It’s the year of the women in Washington, DC. With the inauguration of the 2015 elected officials, for the first time ever in DC and the second time in the United States, women are holding down the top spots in a major city. Muriel Bowser was inaugurated as Mayor, Cathy Lanier is the Chief of Police, and Kaya Henderson is the city’s school Chancellor. And they are all single.
As a Christian man, hypothetically speaking, if I were in a relationship with one of them, how could I be the leader at home when she’s clearly the leader of the city? How would the traditional ‘husband is the head, wife is the helpmate’ thing work? The answer lies in the family goals we establish together.
If I were in a relationship with a powerful woman in public service or business, her career aspirations must be a family goal we set out to accomplish together. And as the leader, I would take the responsibility for making sure we accomplish that family goal. Here are seven things I would do to provide leadership at home.
- KNOW…what she needs most is someone who understands the weight and responsibility her work demands. The three ladies in DC. are all in their mid 40’s. They’ve been grinding their whole life to get to where they are. So if I’m serious about being in a relationship with someone like them, know…she’s not going to put any security in me or our relationship until she believes I have a high degree of competence and capability in managing my own affairs (i.e., personal, professional, and financial). So I need to demonstrate to her, over time, that I am competent and capable in handling my own affairs through results and consistency.
- KNOW…their lives are not compartmentalized. In a civilian’s life, your work, home, and social lives are all separate. However, in her high visibility world, her home and social lives impact her influence in her work life. We’ve seen how public officials are ruined professionally when their personal life becomes public. So I must know that my home and social lives are, in-part, impacted by her professional life.
- KNOW…it’s not about how much money I make. She’s already accepted that she’ll make more money than me. It’s about financial decision making. To provide financial leadership, I’d schedule some time to discuss some family goals. I’d itemize the cost of those goals, propose a plan for how to accomplish them, and then get her feedback on my proposal. Make adjustments accordingly. Then I’d provide her with frequent updates; with the level of detail based on her level of interest. This multi-step process will give her the peace she needs to trust that my financial decision making includes her input and best interest.
- I WOULD check her when she’s wrong. No one is perfect. Powerful people need someone in their inner circle to speak truth to power and check them when they are wrong. As a leader, it’s my job to find that thin line between challenging her when she’s wrong and giving her room to make mistakes and learn on her own. Either way, I’d provide her conscientious stability in so doing.
- I WOULD challenge her to push past her fears. As she’s out there making power-moves, she’s bound to face some personal fears and barriers that cause her to question ‘Can I really do this?”. As a leader, my responsibility is to understand the gravity of the decisions, understand the source of her fears, and encourage her to push past her fears by being emotionally supportive throughout the decision making process. Then be there to celebrate or console her after it’s all said and done.
- I WOULD make small things deal breakers. Couples don’t break up over one big issue. They break up because several small issues metastasize into big ones. Out the gate, before things ever got serious, as a leader I would make several small things deal breakers in our relationship. For example, within the first three months of my marriage, my wife and I had a verbal exchange. In that, I saw some potential problems down the road. So as the leader, I decreed that in the Wiggins Household we don’t call each other names or point fingers at each other because these behaviors incite angry retaliations. This applied to both of us. Seventeen years later, it’s only happened 3 times since then; and apologies were made immediately thereafter. As a leader, I would make minor behaviors that create a culture of hostility and disrespect deal breakers before we ever got serious.
- I WOULD establish a time or an activity that is “our time”. At work, she has meetings everyday to make sure her organization runs smoothly. We’d do the same thing at home. As a leader, I would carve out a weekly activity for us to reconnect. I’d run it like a staff meeting. We’d discuss old business, new business, what’s going on in my life, her life, and the family life. But we’d do this activity naked in bed (my preference) or out on a date (i.e., bowling alley, jogging, dinner).
As long as her professional goals are also family goals, then I can be an influential leader at home. But if I have my professional goals and she has her professional goals, then our professional live will be separate from our family lives. And that will cause major problems as the relationship progresses.
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Not too many women, especially powerful women, are going to allow their husband to manage the family’s finances and give her “updates”. It’s usually the other way around. I manage the finances in my house…no big purchase/investment decisions are made without my approval…it might sound a bit controlling but it works. We’ve never lacked anything.
I believe one of the reasons most women don’t trust their men with the family’s finances is because many men are big risk takers and most women want to play it safe…we want security. I have a friend who divorced her husband after he made a bad investment decision (that she disapproved of) and it caused the family ruin. I say if you want to take risks like that…do it when you’re single – not when you’re married and have familial obligations.
Great point Jeanette. I agree. Women do need that security. I wrote about this topic in, Top 2 Ways Men Can Provide Security For Their Women https://hisleadershiphertrust.com/top-2-ways-men-can-provide-security-for-their-women/
Indulge me and read it. I think you will agree with my analysis and my two points. It is for those reasons that I believe, even in your marriage, if you had confidence in your husband’s decision making process (as I outline in the aforementioned article), you would at least be willing to give my suggested approach a try.
The funny thing about the need for security is that there’s an implied risk when someone making decision on your behalf. As you probably know, risk is the likelihood that what is expect to happen – won’t; and it’s measured by the likelihood that it won’t happen base of relevant facts.
I proffer…the reason why you feel the need to control the financial decisions is because your husband poses too much risk for your comfort level (as did your friends ex-husband). You don’t trust, for whatever reason, that he can facilitate the financial goals you both have. THE WAY for him to mitigate this risk for you to provide you with relevant information…facts….about the yalls financial goals. Often. That way, you can control and realign as necessary. In the beginning, he should lean heavily on your recommendations. But over time, he should be able to use his own judgment and make some decisions without your lordship.
I suspect men in your husband’s situation don’t know to do this…let alone how to do this, therefore they let their women run everything. That’s what this article teaches men how to provide leadership and value to the family when their wives are the ones use to leading everything.
It’s not that my husband let’s me run everything. We do make decisions together, but I also don’t believe that a man is supposed to have sole control over the family’s finances, not in the beginning nor over time. That should be a joint effort unless the couple agree otherwise. And it’s not that I don’t trust my husband that’s just the way things are in my house. Would you say that a husband didn’t trust his wife if HE ran things? It’s not a man’s God-given right to control the family finances, that is a man made theory. I think men only speak up to what is beneficial to them. It’s about ego really.
But thanks for your feedback.
Thanks you for your comment. I wish you and your husband all the best.
Thank you. I wish you and your wife all the best.