Every woman has a need to feel secure in her relationship. This need derives from a basic human need for safety, security, and stability (Maslow, 1943). To some, it’s financial security, to others it’s emotional security, and to others it’s physical security. To most, it’s ideal to have all three.
All women agree, financial security is very important in relationships. But if a man doesn’t also provide emotional security, or is a physical threat, then she doesn’t feel secure at all.
Thus, I believe some women perceive security in a man by his ability to solve problems and make decisions, both being in the best interest of the relationship/family. But one of the things that frighten women about being in a relationship/marriage these days is…what if a man falls way below her expectations of security she requires to feel safe and secure. This threat to her safety…actual or perceived… makes a woman feel like she needs to take control of the relationship in order to protect herself and her interests.
While there are many reasons why a woman chooses to be with you, I believe a woman decides to stay with you…in part…based on the confidence she has that you can meet her expectations for security. So how does a man instill confidence in his ability to provide this security? Here are the top two ways.
1. Continuous Learning: The Pursuit to Identify & Solve
Men should always be learning how to solve problems. Whenever your woman feels a need for security…for whatever reason, it’s because something is causing her to feel a lack of security. Your ability to identify that lack and solve the problem…or recommend a solution for how she can solve the problem…gives you tremendous value in the relationship. It gives her tremendous confidence in you as a man worthy of her commitment.
So, don’t shy away from learning. Pursue the process of problem solving. Read books. Join men’s or couple’s groups. Attend relationship conferences and workshops. There are valuable tools and tips you can take away from them to solve problems in the areas of communication, trust, and respect. These skills will greatly enhance your ability to lead in your relationship.
Personally, I’ve found my ability to solve problems provides a sense of stability, peace, and security to my wife even when we are going through a tricky situation that causes a clear and present danger to our family’s security. For example, due to the housing market crisis of 2007, many of the houses in Prince George’s County Maryland (outside of DC.) are underwater. Specifically…our house. We owe more than it’s worth. We don’t qualify for any of the hardship programs, nor do we qualify for a re-fi (believe me…I’ve tried). But the bad part is our mortgage interest rate is going to adjust and increase our mortgage by…let’s just say…too much.
It seems like every month my wife asks me ‘what are we going to do about this situation?’ I told her my plan. But she’s not confident in my plan at all. It has too many IF…THEN contingencies for her. But what she is confident in…is my ability to solve problems. So she’s not stressing me or trying to enact her own plan, which I’ve seen many wives do when they feel their security is being threatened. But in this case, my proven ability to solve problems provides her with the financial, physical, and emotional security she needs to have some modicum of confidence that we won’t be broke and homeless.
2. Past Learning: The Anatomy of Good Decision Making
People are largely judged base on the decisions they make. So it’s important to relationships that men make good decisions. The science behind good decision making identifies two necessary components (Campitellli, Gobet, 2010). The first is learning by making mistakes and correcting them. The lessons we learn from our corrections get stored in our subconsciousness and form the basis for our intuition. Second is our conscious ability to analyze information, which forms the basis for our judgment.
So when we are presented with a problem, we make decisions based on the combination of our intuition from past experiences and our analytical judgment of the current situation.
Good decision making occurs when you have had significant enough lessons learned from your past to trust your intuition…and sound judgment about the current information.
When making good decisions concerning your mate’s security, you must learn from the past experiences that make your mate feel secure. The more experiences, the better your intuition. Then, when presented with a new situation where your mate doesn’t feel secure, you will be able to intuitively identify the lack…based on past experiences…and then use sound judgment in analyzing how best to provide the security she needs.
This is some advanced level relationship stuff here. Not everybody can do it. Not everybody knows to do it. But know…this is how you make good decisions in providing security for your mate.
There are others I could mention. ‘Goal setting and accomplishment’ get an honorable mention. Because women feel security in a man’s ability to set a goal, create a plan, and pursue the goal unto accomplishment.
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