I asked, “If she’s the help-mate, then isn’t she supposed to follow my lead?”
My Pastor responded, “As the leader, you’re supposed to take the lead in showing her how to be a servant by serving her.” Stunned! Mouth open! I never looked at being the head of the house that way.
See, 17 years ago, we were three months from our wedding. We were having some conflict about roles and responsibilities,relationship boundaries, respect, communication…you know…regular relationship stuff. But what I eventually learned was I was responsible for setting the example for how we would interact with each other. However I treated her, good or bad, she would ultimately follow that example. Which meant, whatever example I set for how I helped her, would be the example she followed for how to be a helpmate to me.
See, I had it all wrong. I was on some ole ‘Imma do me…and she will adapt’ mack-game. Base on my relationship consulting experience, I believe a lot of married men also got it wrong. But our Christian duty, and our wives require more from us. We must help her, to give her an example of how she can be a better helpmate to us. So, here are 15 ways you can help her. Don’t try to do them all. Just pick two and start there.
Things to Do for Her More
1. Validate Her More. “Honey, you look pretty in that.” “Baby, you’re doing a great job with the kids.” Let her know when she’s doing a good job. Positive affirmation is always an emotional boost. Also, if she’s more emotional than you, stop telling her to ‘suck it up’. If she’s a ‘feeler’, let her be that.
2. Listen More. Don’t just hear her words…hear her heart. Practice listening to her feelings without offering a resolution. It’s okay to say nothing…and just give her a hug.
3. Communicate More. Men tend to quietly mull over her thoughts to themselves. That’s cool. But when you finish, open up your mouth and share what’s on your mind. Communicate your vision, goals, and plans to her so she can help you make better decisions. And follow-up with her to let her know how everything is going. This will give her comfort because she knows you are on-top of things.
4. Come to Her Rescue More. It always feels good to her if you show that you’re her advocate and that you got her back. Be supportive of their wants, needs, desires, pursuits, goals, and plans. She’ll feel even more secure if she felt protected physically and emotionally, especially from your mother or your baby’s mama.
5. Schedule Alone Time More. Schedule some time were you can focus just on each other. This is the #1 way the make your relationship breakup-proof.
6. Some More Foreplay…Please. Be willing to give some foreplay. Don’t just go for the gusto. And don’t forget about the pre-game foreplay that starts in the morning, lasts throughout the day, which sets up the foreplay that will commence later that night.
7. Do the Little Things More. The little things are important: love notes, hand written cards, unexpected hugs and kisses, flowers, etc. These can serve as pre-game foreplay if you time it right.
8. Be Chivalrous More. Open the door for her. Pull out her chair. Etc… When walking in public, old-school dudes use to make sure their women walked on the inside of the sidewalk closest to the building while they walked on the outside closest to the street. This was a sign of protection. Add that to your repertoire.
Things to Do for Yourself More
9. Plan More. Have a plan and vision for your family. You asked her to be your wife, so it’s your responsibility to come up with a plan for the goals you want your family to accomplish. It’s okay to modify them based on her feedback. But it’s your responsibility to come up with a plan for y’all to discuss.
10. Take the Initiative More. Be first to come up with a plan, or start the conversation. Don’t always wait for her to initiate things. That gets old real quick.
11. Be Consistent More. Inconsistency in your words and actions provides no stability or security for your wife. Do what you say. Stick-to what you commit to do. And stop lying and saying you’ll do something when you know good-and-well, you’re not going to do it.
12. Be Reliable More. Proverbs says reliance on an unfaithful man is like a bad tooth and a lame foot. Translation: you cause constant pain and she can’t put any weight on you. Don’t be that dude.
Things to Do at Home More
13. Help-out Around the House More…Without Being Asked. If you see something that needs to be done, be like Nike and just do it. Also, don’t point out that you did it. That’s so petty and irritating.
14. Help-out with the Kids More. Take one or two things she does with the kids and take them on as your responsibility. This will help her out tremendously.
15. Cook More. I wanted to leave this off because I’m guilty of this. I know my wife would love it if I gave her the night off and cooked for her for a change. I’m putting it on my to-do list.
HLHT Fam — Which one or two do you need to focus on? #1 and #15 for me.
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Dog, Im gonna hold you too number 15 lol
I’m moving in chronological order…homie. I’ll get to #15 later than sooner. Right now, I’m locking down #1
Amazing! My husband and I probably wouldn’t be together if he had to read some list about how to treat me as his wife…he does all those things and more because I will not accept less. We work together as a team. Cooking and helping out with HIS kids are things that EVERY husband is supposed to do whether his wife is working or not. It’s called responsibility. But then again some women allow their husbands to get away with not doing these things while they do all the heavy lifting…smh!
“This list is for grown boys who have the OPTION to be lazy good-for-nothing husbands.” -my man.
I wish I could get half of this list without asking. I ask, demand, request, plea and any other word you could think of to try to get someone to understand what I need I am telling you but all i hear is I complain too much. I believe most of my request were basic things that we all were taught as children (Clean up after yourself, help around the house (especially the common areas)). Mr. Wiggins this list is a great start-up for the epidemic of grown boys especially amongst the black community were fathers are not present. A lot of grown boys/men don’t have a clue as to what should or shouldn’t be done. Growing up in a single parent home myself I get the I’m too independent but when I try to rely on my partner I get let down every time. If I wanted the trash taen out a week later I would leave it full in the trash can for a week, not take it out and leave it by the front door for a week. UGHHHHHH
@ Symone, I don’t see how you put up with that…I don’t have the patience nor would I tolerate laziness in my house. I would be alone. It’s probably easier.
And that is why we (women) should choose to be with MEN and not grown boys who need to be told what to do and we wouldn’t be all tired and stressed out. A lot of these women look 20 years beyond their age! That’s a damn shame.
I married a grown boy who thinks he’s a MAN because he works. My husband doesn’t do much of anything but work, sleep, eat and have sex. He doesnt take out the trash; he says I’m home all day with the kids we should be taking it out. He won’t even change a light bulb. Why???? Because he says “I WORK. I DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.” I’m so unhappy and COMPLETELY TURNED OFF in my marriage