A single woman in her late 40s/early 50s was on a date with her gentleman-friend at a semi-formal event. They were holding hands. But his neck was on swivel…looking at woman after woman. She noticed it but didn’t say anything at the moment. She waited until they got outside. Then she told him in a polite yet determinant way that ‘I don’t play that. That’s disrespectful’.
He was like, “What? Girl…you trippin’!”
So she was like, ‘Whateva! But you’re not gonna disrespect me when we’re out together.’
She decided to stop seeing him. Was she right?
It depends.
After she told me this story, she asked me, “Why do men look at other women, even when they are out with someone?”
This is what I told her.
(caveat: this is an explanation not a justification.)
From the time of pre-teens, men were socialized to admire females’ bodies. ‘She gotta phat butt.’ ‘She has big ti***es’ is the standard conversation among young boys in school, on the block, on the phone…everywhere. This fixation intensifies through the pubescent years of high school, the sexual exploratory days of college, and through the youthful folly of their 20’s. Looking at other women has grown into an automatic, involuntary response to a female stimulus, like saying ‘amen’ to a preacher who’s preaching a good sermon.
Enter the love of his life. Now, he’s expected to stop looking at everyone else and focus his attention solely on one person. Noble intentions…indeed. But his challenge is, he has to consciously retrain himself to stop doing a very natural involuntary response to a female stimulus that he’s been doing more than half his life.
There are three types of men in this regard. Jack is able to control himself and not check out every woman that crosses his path. Sam tries, but finds it very difficult. He’s the one that tries to act like he’s not looking, but is obviously checking her out. And then there’s Mike. Mike doesn’t care. He looked, is looking, and will look again. And there’s nothing you can say or do to stop him.
Ladies, if you are in a relationship with Jack, you’ve got yourself a man that has retrained himself not to check out every woman. Keep him. He is considerate and cares about your feelings.
If you’re with Sam, be aware that he’s not intentionally doing something to you. He’s just doing something that comes automatically natural to him…like an ‘amen’ at church. This was me for the first year of our marriage. I didn’t realize I was still looking at other women until I got tired of my wife ‘trippin’ about it. I had to really check myself. And she was right. So I made an intentional effort to stop because I cared for her feelings. Be patient with Sam. Let him know how you feel about what he’s doing and give him an opportunity to change his behavior. But show some empathy for his plight and give him grace to change over time. It’s an unrealistic expectation to expect him to stop cold turkey, a decade-long automatic behavioral pattern over night.
If you’re with Mike, he’s a lost cause. He likes looking at other women. It gives him a dopamine high and he doesn’t want to stop. The only way he will stop is if he decides to. If you’re dating him, don’t expect anything other than what you’re already getting. Consider this a warning. If you’re married to him, this issue is the least of your problems.
Like I said, I’m not justifying this as appropriate behavior in order to get you to accept it. But you do have to accept that some men aren’t intentionally doing something to you, in spite of how it might feel. For those men, me included, if you are patient with them and get them to see how it makes you feel, then they will respect your feelings and, over time, cut back on looking at other women.
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This really does sound like a justification. There’s never a reason to disrespect the woman you’re with regardless of whether you’re on a date or she’s your girlfriend or your wife. Your friend did right to leave that guy alone. It would have only gotten worse had she kept dating him. No woman should have to remind the man that she’s with to not stare at other women. That is a slap in the face. A man that doesn’t mean your face will definitely do it behind your back and cannot be trusted. The issue is one of greed, lack of respect…basically a spiritual issue. You can not ask a woman to understand something that she feels offended by that’s not natural just as you say it’s not natural for a man to not look at women.
Jeanette,
Even though I said it’s not a justification, you still think it is. This misunderstanding underscores the point I’m making about why men look at other women. Here me out. In my heart, my intention was not to justify that it’s okay for men to look at other women. However, when you read it, you felt I was justifying. I probably could have explained it differently so that it didn’t sound like a justification to you. But in my efforts, my intention was not to justify.
Likewise, if a man looks at another woman, in his heart, he might not be intending to be disrespectful. From his past experience as a single man, that just might be his automatic response to women. But his woman will still perceive it as him being disrespectful. Now, he probably could change his behavior so as not to make his woman feel disrespect…like not looking at other women. But his intention was not to be disrespectful.
This man is different than the two men who are 1) being disrespectful and trying to hide it, or 2) being disrespectful and doesn’t care.
The disrespect felt by the woman is valid. And he needs to modify his behavior so as not to further disrespect. This article is advising women who feel disrespected to understand that not all instances of disrespect is the same…and to distinguish between the three kinds – or the three kinds of men – in making your decision to cut him off or not. Otherwise, you may gratuitously end a relationship with a good man, when all you needed to do was educate him what your acceptable standards are. For, over time, he might turn out to be as dutifully controlled as your husband.
*a man that does it in your face will definitely do it behind your back.
Heath, I would answer that it is a woman’s natural and understandable response to say, “then I’m looking for a more respectful, quality man, and that’s not you. I can do better.”
Let me clarify – I don’t care which “man” you are, if you hide behind the excuse “I can’t help it, that’s how all men are and I spent half my life being that way, you’re not worthy of a loving, Christian woman. You’re justifying your sin.
You forgot the other type…the very small percentage of men who actually are decent and do not look at every skirt that passes by…you know the ones who actually respect the women they are with. Oh yes, they are out there…I married one and he did not have to control himself and pretend that he didn’t see a woman if she crossed his path. Oh trust me…we women know if a man is trying hard not to look at a woman and we definitely know when he’s staring at one. My husband would have heard from me if this had it happened, lol. Seriously, that’s a huge red flag. We teach our sons to not be womanizers.
I’m not going to try to convince you that your make looks at other women. I’m glad you perceive he doesn’t do that. That means he is doing a good job of controlling his eyes. Maybe he can respond to this article and share with the fellas how he mastered it…because this skill eludes the majority of men.
“your man”
I loved reading this article! It helped me understand volumes on why men do this and other things that simply come naturally, as men. I think there is so much we as women don’t understand about the way a man’s mind works, which often has nothing to do with us personally, yet things are often interpreted that way. My bf did this often when we began dating and it really bothered. Not only did it hurt my feelings but I found myself wondering what ‘she’ had that he found so attractive that he just had to look while I was standing next to him. I explained this him and that it was a form of disrespect. At first he didn’t understand my side either, explaining it had nothing to do with me, he just has looked at women in passing ALL his life, it wasn’t intentional. Now I was expecting him to suddenly become purposeful in not doing this. He understood and said he would definitely make an effort not to, but it was hard not to do something he didn’t even realize or doesn’t always realize he’s doing.
I’ve had to learn a lot over the years of dating and I’ve always tried to take some time to figure out what lessons were to be learned after each relationship ended. I believe there is truly purpose in everything and if we don’t “get it,” or learn lessons God has purposed the first time around, we’ll keep coming back to that same lesson again until we learn or have an understanding. Life, including relationships are all about growth. When we understand that, instead of simply living and fighting these lessons we can enjoy more of the pleasures and joy of living so much more.
Thank you for your article. It is refreshing to hear from a male that looking at other women when in a committed relationship is not really ok. That’s what I took from it, anyway. For me, though, the issue regarding the behavior of the first 2 men, (I wont even comment on the the 3rd guy, Jack) is not so much about respect. I would like to know, what is really going through a man’s mind when he does this? I’m sure there are many answers because there are many men who do this, but what is in his head and heart during the momentary looks? It is what the looks mean to HIM that concern me. It seems obvious to me that there must be some kind of reward going on in the brain or else men would not tend to do this. I can notice a good looking fellow, but not have lustful thoughts, and certainly don’t turn my head to take a look, and nor do I look at specific body parts. If men are wired more visually than women, is there a female equivalent? Can, generally speaking, women be wired more auditorially than men, and if so, can men who look at women because men view it as “only natural” be okay with their partner when she engages in harmless verbal flirtation because it is just how women are stimulated? It could really mean nothing more to her than what looking at women means for a guy. She probably doesn’t even know she is doing it, it’s so automatic. Just wondering….
Interesting comment, Cindy. I too would be interested in the response to this.
Oops, 3rd guy is named Mike. My apologies to Jack.
This has become a real issue in our 11 year old marriage. I am the male (I think I am a Sam). My wife is extremely attractive and turns heads wherever she goes. She always dresses to perfection and really looks after her personal appearance.
My looking at other women has come up 3 times in our marriage, but the most recent (2 days ago) was the most traumatic. My wife caught me looking at 2 females on an escalator facing us as we sat at a restaurant. The escalator was about 30 meters away from us.
I think I can honestly say I was not aware of what was happening. Apparently, I stared at these ladies as the escalator was descending in our direction. I have no recollection of what they looked like, their ages, what they were wearing or of what was in my mind. My wife describes their hairstyle and their attire. To me it was almost like being absent-minded. My wife has on several occasions accused me of looking at other women, when I can categorically say I wasn’t. I do look at other women. I don’t want to look at other women, especially as it causes my wife so much pain
There was a blow up and I looked into this in more detail on the internet. I then compiled a written response to my wife (I find it easier to compose my thoughts when I write things down, and I find it more conducive to not letting things get out of hand, and ending in arguments). Below is my response and my wife’s answer to it.
I don’t want this to become a make or break in our marriage. We have a beautiful 9 year old daughter, and our life and marriage are really great most of the time. I have become depressed at my wife’s response to my response, would have liked a bit of empathy. Sorry, but I find the response completely judgmental, with no attempt at understanding.
I will solve this problem, but would much rather do it with my wife’s support (and encouragement). Your comments and advice would be greatly received.
Thanks
Graham
What I see from all the reading I have done on this subject is that there are many women that have suffered from this kind of behaviour from husbands and boyfriends.
By far the biggest problem for these women is that they feel DISRESPECTED.
It seems to be more a problem with men. Although SOME women look, it is much more prevalent with men. The indication is that it is a problem with many men (it seems to me, MOST men). A lot of men don’t see it as a problem, and shrug it off. They say they can’t help it, or it’s a man thing, or it comes from pre-historic times and the need to “spread his seed”. Others say a “high” is produced in the man’s brain when he sees an attractive woman, and this becomes addictive. There are many, many reasons and excuses given. However, by far the overwhelming message that comes through is that most of the women have suffered hurt and pain because of the lack of “respect” this behaviour shows.
I want to say, it has never been my intention to disrespect you, but I can see that this does just that. I also need to say, that, for the most part, I am not aware that I am doing this. Much has been said by various men that the “look” means nothing and that the moment it has passed, it disappears from his mind. This is true in my case. It really does mean nothing, and I do not understand what motivates it.
No matter how much is said or how many explanations are given, the fact remains you are offended, angered and feel the DISRESPECT. I don’t believe that is something I can’t control. I have a choice. I believe I just need to make myself more aware, and avoid this happening the instant I become aware of it. I need to restore your faith in me, and work to eradicate any sense of disrespect you have felt over the years. Initially, we will have to be very conscious of this when we go out, and even talk about it, so that we can be prepared to chop it off if it raises its ugly head. In the beginning it may be a bit plastic, but over time, I think it will become more and more natural. We should make sure we are present with each other when in restaurants etc. and not each pursuing his/her own thing.
It may be difficult to start with, but practice makes perfect.
I love you and want you to be happy.
MY wife’s response
THAT IS UR POINT OF VIEW NO MATTER HOW PRESENT I COULD BE IF U DO NOTHING TO DISCIPLINE URSELF WE TURNING AROUND ACHIEVING NOTHING, U STILL USING EXCUSES EVEN IN WHAT U WROTE I SEE NOTHING IN HERE OF U ADMITTING ITS WRONG STILL USING MANY MEN DO IT , DEPENDING WHAT LOGIC YOU USING AS CHRISTIANS POINT OF VIEW IT’S SO CLEAR ITS WRONG I’M NOT INTERESTED IF YOU STILL WANNA JUSTIFY URSELF, ALL THESE WORDS MEANS NOTHING IF U NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITIES FOR UR ACTIONS U CAN READ AN NOVELS U LIKE IF U THINK ITS EVERYONE S PROBLEM THEN I’M NOT FOR U, HOW BOUT BEING DIFFERENT FROM THE PACK AND BE BETTER IN A GOOD WAY INSTEAD OF BEING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, WHERE DOES UR INTEGRITY AT? THE POINT IS SOMETIMES U LOOK MOST OF TIMES STARES, THE THINGS IS ALWAYS PRETTY AND INNOCENT WHEN U DO IT SO YOU SAID TRUST ME NOT PRETTY WHEN THE OTHER ONE DOES. THE MOST UGLY PART IS “WHAT” U INTERSTED AT I HAVE CONCERN WITH, MAY BE THAT TYPE OF WOMEN TURNS U ON WHICH IS A SHAME BUT NOTHING I CAN DO ITS ALL ON YOU I HAVE TRIED 11 YEARS IF WHAT I AM DOESN’T TURN U ON IN THIS 11 YEARS I WON T NOW, SO IT S REALLY UP TO
U. ITS ONLY THAT ONE CAN TK UNTIL A CERTAIN TYM. WHEN ITS COMES TO D DISRESPECT NOTHING NEW I’M USE TO IT BY NOW AND TO BE HONEST IT S PROBABLY WHERE THE PUTTING U DOWN STARTED BECAUSE I ALWAYS FELT DISRESPECTED AND THAT WAS MY TOOL TO MAKE U FEEL AS I FELT IT IS INDEED BEEN A LONG JOURNEY HOPE IT S GETS BETTER ONE CAN ONLY PRAY, WHICH SIDE OF THE TABLE R U, EVERYONE DOES IT? OR I WANNA BE DIFFERENT AND NOT FOLLOW THE PACK? THE ANSWER IS IN UR HANDS
What about the Sam that does try but on the rare occasion he does it to a level that crosses the line and is a bit insulting to his lady and when she brings it up only to be told, “I wasn’t looking at her.” It’s gaslighting. But what do you do when, the man does try but is now acting like the woman didn’t see what she saw when she explains what she saw. Assume the couple are reasonable individuals and they aren’t disrespectful in normal arguments.