Why Doesn’t She Trust Him
In the United States, it is a presumptive reality that men should be the leader in relationships. Think about it…from a Judeo-Christian perspective, the men are supposed to be the leaders in the family. “Man is the head and the woman is the help mate”, the good book says.
And from a social perspective…it is socially awkward for a man to be seen as the one who’s not working and dependent on his woman to support him. I’m not talking about a man who’s a stay-at-home dad. I’m talking about a man that’s not working because he can’t/won’t keep a job. Or he’s looking for the right job and won’t consider anything he deems beneath him.
But it’s not just about men working. Some men have successful jobs but they are horrible decision makers. Their women can attest that their decisions have historically caused more harm than good.
There’s also the guy that either doesn’t know or just can’t remember certain things. He’s constantly asking his woman, “what to do with this”, “how to do that”, “where to put this”, “where does that go”, “tell me how to do this again”. He can’t make a decision without his woman having to come behind him and fact-check. Or she constantly has to swoop in at the last minute to save the family from a disastrous decision that would put his family in a bad financial position.
The fact is…she doesn’t trust him! Because she can’t depend on him to do anything but cause her more stress and extra work trying to keep everything in order.
Isn’t it embarrassing seeing it play out in real life…the lack of trust, that is? It’s sooo awkward when I am around a couple where it’s very clear the woman doesn’t trust her man. Whenever that distrust rears its ugly head, I’ve learned to look away, smile, or play it off like I don’t know what’s going on. But her distain and disgust is so apparent.
Do you know someone like that? Are you someone like that? Well if it’s not you, then I’m sure this scenario is familiar to you too.
Leadership in Relationships
Biblically and socially, the expectation is clear. Men should be taking leadership roles in their relationships. But sometimes, men don’t possess the knowledge, skills, resources, power, influence, or moral authority women required to follow them. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not saying that men are not good leaders in their own right. But women are!
See, in order for a woman to feel comfortable giving up what she has already earned and accomplished and hand it over to a man, she has to trust that the man can do a better job at leading herself than she can. For if a woman feels she is doing a good job by herself, then it’s like taking a step backwards to hand the reins over to someone whose leadership she deems inferior to hers.
So in order for a woman to follow you, man, you have to earn her trust. Yes…earn it.
It’s not a given that a woman will follow you just because you put a ring on her finger, you’ve been living together for a long time, she’s the mother of your child, or because you’re celebrating your 10th wedding anniversary. She may even love you unconditionally. But that doesn’t mean that she trusts your leadership.
What Women Want
Women desire nothing more than to have a man they can look up to…respect…honor…appreciate…and trust. They want nothing more than to have a man they know they can rely on…they can depend on…they can have confidence that if he says he’s going to do something, it’s going to get done. To women, that’s sexy.
These assurances that women request from men sounds like a very simple request. But studies show, in the last 40 years, the number of women choosing either to leave their husbands, live together unmarried, or stay forever-single has almost tripled (285%). The reasons why may vary. But what’s crystal clear is, on an increasingly larger scale, women don’t trust the leadership of men…and are choosing to do without them.
The Cultural Shift
See, women no longer need a man. Gone are the days when women need a man to provide for them financially like they did prior to the 1940s. During WWII, when women entered the workforce because the men went off to war, they not only took care of the home and the children, but for the first time in American history, large numbers of women were earning a living outside the home.
So when the men came back from war and returned to work, many women did not return home. They continue to work alongside of men even though they only made 63% of what men made for the same jobs.
Women got a taste of financial freedom apart from a man. And they liked it!
Over the next 30 years, from the 1960s – 1980’s, women became more aggressive in asserting their rights.
- The Women’s Movement in the 1960’s prompted Congress to pass the 1963 Equal Pay Act prohibiting employers from paying women less than men for the same job.
- The feminist group, The National Organization for Women (NOW) was founded in 1966 to promote the social and political awareness of women’s issues. Key Supreme Court rulings, such as 1972’s Eisenstadt v. Baird, which said rights to privacy includes an unmarried person’s right to use contraceptives, and 1973’s Roe v. Wade, which overturned state anti-abortion laws, gave NOW the political cover it needed to further its movement.
- The Sexual Revolution of the 1970’s – 1980’s promoted sexual freedom. Women were encouraged to break away from the male dominant perspective of women’s sexuality. They also were encouraged to initiate sexual advances, to enjoy sex, experiment with new relationships, and be sexually free.
So through the 1960’s – 1980’s, the social, economic, and political shift in the country gave women freedoms they never had before. They could now make their own money and not be dependent on a man. And it was now socially acceptable to get their freak on.
And that’s exactly what they did.
In 1980, the divorce rate peaked at 50%, the highest level in American history. And it’s been hovering around 50% – 40% ever since. This was largely because women no longer have to put up with what they don’t want to. She has the financial means to roll-out. And in some states, take half with her.
Now-a-days, women have their own houses, their own cars, their own careers, and in some cities, make more money than her male suitors. So to hand over all that autonomy and control over to a man she doesn’t trust is a non-starter.
So What’s a Brother or Sister To Do?
So what are us brothers to do if we ultimately want a relationship with a good woman? Or what’s a brother to do if he’s currently in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t trust him? How does he earn her trust? How does he become a leader in his relationship?
And to my sisters…how do you find a man with the qualities to lead you? And if you’re just dating someone, how do you know if the qualities you’re seeing will be sufficient enough to lead you in the future. If you already have a man, how do you get to the point where you can look up to…respect…honor…appreciate…rely on…depend on…have confidence in…and trust him?
His Leadership Her Trust
Well, these questions are the reason why I created this website. The articles, stories, videos, and the host of other content on this site will give you the answers to these questions.
But let me first set the expectation for you. There is no one size fits all answer to all things concerning leadership and the trust women require to allow a man to do so. As you already know, the scope of leadership and trust within a relationship is wide. As you also know, the issues and problems related to leadership and trust are vast…and sometimes extremely complicated. Read many articles. Watch several videos. One article, post, or video will not address every scenario, situation, or problem.
As you read these articles, keep an open mind. They will challenge you. As you read them, they will challenge what you believe…your perspective of what is truth and reality vs. your mate’s perspective. They will challenge your long standing values…what you value as beneficial for your relationship.
Disagree with me if you feel differently. Challenge me if hold opposing positions. I love rigorous debates on relational issues. I’m not afraid to voice my opinions. Don’t be afraid to voice yours.
Read the articles and watch the videos that apply to your relationship status. Also read and watch the stuff that doesn’t fit neatly into your relational baskets. You will learn different perspectives and points of view.
My desire is that you and I create a healthy dialogue in this country that not only focuses on men pursuing leadership roles in their relationships, but also teaching men how to be better leaders. Help me make men pursuing and learning about leadership cool and sexy!
Click on an article. Start reading now! Join the conversation. Join the discussion. Join the movement that’s drawing attention to HIS LEADERSHIP HER TRUST!
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Love it Godbrother!!!!!
March on Bro! Many blessings to you on your endeavor!
My Big Brother, Congratulations, keep the Faith and let God have his way in your life, and to My Big Sister Bernie for a Godly example of what we are called to do, what it looks like and the encouragement you gave me.
God Bless!!
NO woman should ever hand over the reins of her life to her husband.As long as she is in her right mind, the reins of her life (as a matter fact their lives) should be handed over to God and Him alone. Decisions should be discussed and made together. So-called Christian men need to stop ego-tripping, focusing on titles like leader, head of household, priest of the house, et cetera and focus on LOVING their wives as commanded and wonferfully defined in 1 Corinthians 13.
If anyone needs to be led it’s men NOT women. We do it ALL day everyday…at work, at home, in social settings and we do not brag about it nor do we need leadership titles because we are naturally giving, nurturing, and SELFLESS, human beings. Men WANT leadership in their relationships to feel powerful and want the title without lifting a finger. If you want to be a so-called “leader” then scrub floors, clean toilets, cook, wash the dishes, do laundry, comb the kids hair, get them dressed, take them to baseball practice, pick them up, arrange playdates, take them shopping, help them with their school projects, stay up all night with them when they’re sick – the list goes on and on. Being a leader is hands-on. It involves way more then lip service -it’s physical. Leaders should be the last ones to go to sleep at night and not rely on their wives to shut down the house. What I just described women do and a lot more. Men DO NOT really want the title of leader and those who do twist the meaning to suit themselves. This is why women do not respect or trust you. Stop trying to snatch titles that DO NOT belong to you. Women do what they have to do because we love our families. We don’t need titles. even though our jobs are thankless many times our satisfaction comes from knowing that our families are well taken care of and loved. What do we need men for? To love and cherish us and be our partners in life – NOT our leaders. Only simple-minded and WEAK men see women as needing them for leadership since we no longer need them for financial purposes so they look for some other position of power over us. Common sense should tell you that if we don’t need you for money we definitely don’t need you for leadership. By the way, your definition of leadership is really a definition of partnership…if the wife is not on board it won’t happen! Who has the real authority? A relationship is about love and respect and becoming one. It’s not an organization or a sports team or any of the other examples you give of leadership. A marriage is much deeper than that and more intimate. The bible doesn’t tell the leaders in such organizations to “leave and cleave” or “become one” so please spare me the rhetoric in your articles. I don’t know where men get off thinking that they are the “authority” in their marriages. I believe the ones with this mindset believe it because their wives ALLOW it.
Also, it wouldn’t matter if my husband was the best leader in the world. As situations arise in our family we’d still deal with them together and make decisions appropriately which could mean sometimes we come to an agreement or sometimes I’d go his way or he’d go my way, so that cancels out anyone being the “leader”.
MEN HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL BE AFRAID OF US NOT NEEDING THEM AND BEING ABLE TO GET ALONG WITHOUT THEM. THAT IS WHY THEY USE THE WEAK EXCUSE THAT WOMEN WHO ARE SINGLE CAN’T GET A MAN INSTEAD OF BELIEVING THAT THEY DON’T WANT ONE. I HEAR THIS FROM MY SINGLE FRIENDS ALL THE TIME. MY HUSBAND HAS A HEALTHY MINDSET AND DOES NOT NEED TO READ MEN-ONLY ARTICLES OR FORM MALE-ONLY GROUPS TO GAIN SELF-ESTEEM HE IS NOT CONFUSED WITH WHO HE IS AND DOES NOT NEED ANYONE TO TELL HIM HOW TO BE MY HUSBAND OR WHAT WOMEN WANT. WHAT I WANT IS UNIQUE AND NO MAN CAN TELL WOMEN WHAT THEY WANT. I’M DONE!
Jeanette, I read all of your comments from both websites. From your comments, it doesn’t appear that I can say anything that will sway you from your beliefs. So I won’t try. We do, however, agree more that we disagree. I can tell by some of your comments, you misunderstand my intent. That’s probably my fault because its my responsibility to convey correctly what I intend to say.
Let me speak to my intent for creating this blog…and writing these articles on both websites. It’s not because of some ego or power trip, or because I want men to dominate the world, control their wives, or reign as supreme lord over the women and children. I respect your opinions, although I disagree with some of them.
Leadership is about role and responsibility…not title. In one of your comments, you articulated the list roles and responsibilities that you carry out in your marriage. Somebody has to take on the role of planning, coordinating, and managing all those responsibilities to make sure they get done…right? Otherwise there would be no order in the household and the house would not function the way you want it. Well that person has the role of leader (whoever it is). In your house, that person appears to be you. And that is why I started this blog. Over the last 40 years, as you validate in your comments, women have been the one’s taking on this role and responsibility without much involvement from the men. That’s a problem. And your frustration that men aren’t sharing in this role as the leader, validates my point that you feel men should be sharing in this role. Otherwise you wouldn’t be frustrated that men want the title of leader without the responsibilities that come with the role of leader. And I agree with you. However, what 16 years of marriage, 14 year of training couples in our business, and focused research has shown me is that some men don’t know how to lead or how to be leaders in their relationships – even though they think they do. With the epidemic of absentee fathers (especially in African American families) there’s two generations of men that are unaware of what a family structure looks like, how it operates, and/or what the proper roles and responsibilities of parents are. So they make it up and do what’s right in their own eye. As a result, women have learned not to rely on a man to do anything; and were taught to handle everything themselves (which you so eloquently stated). This shouldn’t be either. So my mission is to teach men what leadership is, how to lead, and how to provide leadership in their families — so the women can get some help and not be overburdened with carrying the full load…like you stated you do.
Given your strong opinions about men not being leaders, I would think that you would be in support of my mission. For this is in concert with my Christian beliefs. But like I said, maybe I improperly communicated that to you. But if you still disagree with my mission, that’s fine too. I respect and welcome dissenting opinions. But I believe I’m trying to help women, wives, and families by teach their men to take on more leadership roles in their relationships. Not in an ego-tripping, dictatorial, manipulative way. But in a appropriate, fair, responsible, Christian way. I believe in what I’m doing. I believe what I’m doing is good. And for this, I am undeterred and unapologetic.
Thank you Janette for your comments. I value and welcome your additional opinions. Please like my FB page so I can stay in touch with you and we can continue our healthy debate. https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
Jeanette — yes, exactly.
Heath — so well articulated.
My husband was raised by his mom; its so hard for me not to be resentful towards her as she didnt seem to tesch him rhst one day he would have to let go of her to lesd his own family. My son is three and i am praying already — god help me to let go when its time. Moms can get in the way lf this process ESPECIALLY as it relates to this very cycle Both of you are highlighting; women are still raisinf boys (with men in the house!!)
Thanks for your comment Tracy. Mama’s boys are tricky to deal with…from a wife’s point of view. It’s as though you have to compete for his time and attention. And the wife usually ends up on the short end of that.