This is kinda personal. I scarcely put my private marital issues out there. And this issue my wife and I are going through is on-going — meaning, I don’t know what the outcome is going to be. But grown men aren’t afraid to share their story mid-test…before it becomes a glorified testimony. It went down a few weeks ago like this.
I was coming out of the master bathroom. My wife was sitting innocently on the bed watching TV. It was a beautifully sunny Saturday afternoon around 2:00ish. She had her hair rolled up because she wanted to have dem’ fresh curls for church on Sunday (she sings on the praise and worship team). As I walked by, I thought to myself, ‘Wow! It’s 2:00 and she already has her hair rolled up and ready for bed. I wonder if she even considered whether I wanted to go anywhere with her today.’
After that, I kinda got in my feelings. I thought back over the 17 years we’ve been together…and this was not a new issue. In fairness, when we were just friends/co-workers, she was a home-body. And I was always hanging out somewhere. After we got engaged…the same. I’d drag her along with me and my friends. She reluctantly went. After we got married…the same. She preferred for us to stay home. I preferred for us to go out. That’s just who we are…individually.
We learned early-on that we had to come up with a compromise. So we agreed: 2 weekends of the month we’d stay home, and two weekends we’d go out.
Fast-forward 17 years. Our negotiated compromise is theoretically still intact. The frequency has changed. And we both reluctantly go along with what the other person wants to do. What I didn’t know then, but know now is…if the other person continues to reluctantly do things you really like to do, you eventually stop asking that person to do it. Because it gets depressing…feeling like you’re dragging an unwilling participant behind you saying, ‘Come on, let’s go have fun!’ Eventually, you either stop asking, do it by yourself, or not at all. And it’s not a far leap from there for both of you to feel like your mate is trying to change you to be like them.
But you can’t change people! Right?! I can’t change my wife, who is a home-body, into a person that loves hanging out…no more than she can change me to love being a home-body. This goes for your relationship too. You can’t make your mate love doing something you love doing…no matter how much you expose him/her to it. That’s what I use to think. ‘If she just experiences how much fun it is, she’ll get it…and come around’. Well…it never happened! And it never will. That’s because of a principle I learned about change vs. compromise.
Changing a person is when you change one’s values and beliefs. Compromise is when you change one’s behavior. Here’s how it works. I’ll use myself as an example…
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Courageous article, my friend. I vibe with it in MANY ways (um . . . I would be the semi-homebody and my spouse would be the one running through the streets, presumably with you)! We have experienced an almost identical challenge in our marriage as well . . .AND have found some compromise.
I will say that I do not think “change” is the appropriate word. After over 20 years with my spouse, “change” is a heavy word. “Influence” seems more appropriate to me. One thing I have learned is that CHANGE is almost completely and “inside job”. You cannot change a person, especially if they do not wish to be changed. And compromise almost always means you are NOT going to get all of what you were seeking. But if you attempt to meet in the middle, you can get SOME of it. I know, it kind of feels like a huge letdown because you want it to be perfect and whole. But nine times out of ten, it won’t be. Such is life.
I’m feeling you, man, and I appreciate the candor and the peek into what is a very real struggle in many relationships!