I highly value hanging out with friends. I believe it’s a good/right/appropriate/acceptable thing for me to do. Therefore, I include it in my plans. And my behavior follows suit. The same can be said about my wife’s values and belief regarding staying home. However, there is nothing she can ever do to change my values to make me believe that ‘staying home’ is better than ‘hanging out with friends’…not even an abundance of sex. This is just who I am. (Actually, I’d prefer to go out with friends and top the night off when we get home…IJS).
However, I can compromise and stay home with my wife (i.e., change my behavior) because she values it as good/right/appropriate/acceptable for her, but still maintain my values and beliefs that hanging out with friends is good/right/appropriate/acceptable for me. This understanding gives me the freedom to acknowledge and yield to her preferences without losing my own identity.
If you feel like you are unwillingly losing yourself to the preferences or desires of your mate, man or woman…take back your identity by prioritizing your own values and beliefs. Start pursuing what you believe is important — the things you value as good/right/appropriate/acceptable. Refuse to solely be bound by the preferences and desires of your mate. It’s suffocating you and slowly killing your identity.
Yes…be willing to compromise and do what your make deems good/right/appropriate/acceptable. But also dedicate time, effort, and money to pursue the things you deem good/right/appropriate/acceptable. Include those interests in your planning. And from now on, let your behavior follow suit. So if this means some of your mate’s preferences and desires get put on the back-burner…so be it.
Regarding me and my wife, we had a conversation Sunday after church. I told her exactly what I’ve told you. I decided to respect who she is and to no longer want her to change. Even though nothing has physically changed in our marriage, this is a pretty significant shift because I’ve always envisioned our future as us living-life a certain kinda way, which was contingent upon her ‘getting it’ and taking on my values and beliefs about hanging out with friends.
Now I realize that was an unrealistic expectation. We celebrate our 17 year anniversary in 3 weeks. We’re committed to one another…and neither one of us is going anywhere. So I’m interested to see what year 17 and beyond looks like…because life will now take on a different kind of interaction that I didn’t anticipate when I jumped over the broom 17 years ago. #changeisreal
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Courageous article, my friend. I vibe with it in MANY ways (um . . . I would be the semi-homebody and my spouse would be the one running through the streets, presumably with you)! We have experienced an almost identical challenge in our marriage as well . . .AND have found some compromise.
I will say that I do not think “change” is the appropriate word. After over 20 years with my spouse, “change” is a heavy word. “Influence” seems more appropriate to me. One thing I have learned is that CHANGE is almost completely and “inside job”. You cannot change a person, especially if they do not wish to be changed. And compromise almost always means you are NOT going to get all of what you were seeking. But if you attempt to meet in the middle, you can get SOME of it. I know, it kind of feels like a huge letdown because you want it to be perfect and whole. But nine times out of ten, it won’t be. Such is life.
I’m feeling you, man, and I appreciate the candor and the peek into what is a very real struggle in many relationships!