By Allison Simmons:

During my years of interacting with couples and families, I’ve had the pleasure of holding hundreds of conversations with husbands and wives about challenges that occur in marriage and family life. Whether through casual dialogues or organized focus groups, the theme of leadership regularly surfaces during the conversations.

I would love to cover both sides of the leadership debate (there is much that we can discuss about male versus female leadership). However I would like to share some of my conclusions on what wives are looking for from husbands regarding their leadership role. To be at peace with trusting our spouse’s leadership, women tend to seek after the following seven qualities:

1. Accountability

The American Heritage College Dictionary defines accountable as “liable to being called to account; answerable.” Even today, while many women operate in positions of increasing power in the workplace and at home, many wives still have a heartfelt desire that their husbands exhibit the qualities of a strong leader. But along with this desire, they also wish to be well informed and have a say in matters. They want to be an equal partner with an equally powerful vote.

Nothing vexes a wife more than a husband wielding power without accountability, especially if she freely yields to give him room to lead. Giving her the opportunity to assess plans and offer counsel demonstrates to her that you are concerned about her thoughts and opinions. Failing to give this opportunity on a regular basis will breed resentment and, at its worst, marital revolt.

2. Consistency

Consistency is defined as “agreement or logical coherence among things or parts.” Simply put, are your actions adding up to your planned result or are your actions regularly dividing and subtracting from your logic? Are you declaring that you want a sound financial plan for your household but habitually coming home from the casino broke and unable to pay the bills? Your walk should be working in unison with your talk so that your entire household can move in the direction in which you claim you want it to go.

3. Dependability

Dependability is very closely allied with consistency . . . with one fundamental difference. Dependability is actually the fruit of consistency! Once your wife has a chance to regularly witness a high level of consistency in executing a plan, the chances are very favorable that she will deem that she can place her trust in you. Remember, “dependable” ultimately means “trustworthy.” She can see that you are dependable because you are consistently hitting your target. Your consistency leads her to the conclusion that you are dependable!

4. Fidelity

Fidelity is faithfulness to your obligations, duties or observances. Simply put, are you “all in” or half-heartedly stepping across the finish line? Fidelity alludes to degree of commitment as well as attitude toward the task. Fidelity suggests an underlying eagerness. When you are half-heartedly engaged, you may complete the task, but it might be sloppy and not your best effort. We ALL have those days where we may finish the job . . . but we really didn’t feel like it . . . so we limped along the entire way. There are times when we decide we will do something for our spouse, but just barely. But the “just barely” has an essence that might come across as negative and disappointing to your spouse. Imagine a sensual back rub from your wife where you just know she is “all in” and there is a treat coming next. She sees you, delights in you, and joyfully wants to respond to you. Now . . . imagine her rubbing your back but not really being in to it. Get my drift?

5. Honesty

While fidelity involves being faithfully committed to your chosen path, obligation or duty, honesty involves being truthful about the choice and its outcome and/or impact. Let’s face it, we all mess up sometimes. We make a decision, thinking that it is the right course to take. In the end, we find ourselves in a horrifying predicament as a result. It happens. In marriage, when the horrible happens, the outcome will likely affect you AND your mate (as well as your children). This is where the concept of “one flesh” becomes evident; what happens to one happens to the whole. Lying or concealing the matter only makes it worse. Trust and know this, even if the outcome is horrible, being honest about it allows your wife to see your integrity — and learn to appreciate it — even in the midst of a bad outcome.

6. Humility

Humility goes hand in hand with honesty in that it takes humility to admit that you’re wrong. It’s one thing to reveal that something has gone wrong. It is quite another to humbly take responsibility for the mishap if you were the one who chose the wrong path. It takes a BIG man to be able to take the path of humility and admit that he made a mistake. She might still be mad, but the mature and growing wife will learn to stop and reflect on the courage of owning up and hopefully consider it as a positive attribute in her husband. I know I would – and I have.

7. Transparency

Transparency means being able to see what is going on behind the veil. Scientifically speaking, something is transparent when light can permeate its surface and give illumination and clarity to what is on the other side. In a marriage, transparency works in much the same way. Imagination runs wild in the absence of knowledge and understanding, which may breed anxiety and chaos. Granted, many spouses would rather not know what is going on. But that can be potentially dangerous in a marriage. You cannot fix something when you are unaware that it even exists. You must be able to see it in order to deal with it, good or bad.

Transparency is something my husband and I have been working on in this season of our marriage. Early on, his fear of exposure coupled with my “intense responses” made it unbearably difficult for us to operate transparently. Boy did we struggle with this one! But now, almost 18 years in, we are learning the art of opening up, calming down, and offering a safe space for transparency. It has not been easy. It still isn’t easy! But I can tell you as a wife that the day my husband decided to lift the veil and invite me in, my resistance decreased and we began to synchronize.

These are just guidelines to consider, my brothers. I am fully aware that we women oftentimes do NOT make the journey easy for you to navigate. Childhood issues, heartbreaks, and strongholds may cause us to resist and sabotage your efforts. And certainly, these points that I have shared can be applied to wives as well. But today, I am talking to you. If you really want to be viewed as an honorable leader, you have to be willing to step up — and out — on faith and take the chance of walking on higher ground. Your wives will eventually praise you for it!

What will you do to become an honorable leader? Which point resonated with you the most?

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