Why does something that’s absolutely stupid and asinine to you…make perfectly good sense to your husband or wife? That’s the question Keli is asking herself as she shakes her head in wonderment at her husband Thursday night at 9:47pm.
Keli and Thomas are sitting at the kitchen table. The kids are down and they are gettin’ it. He’s huffin’ and puffin’. She’s fussin’ and cussin’. They were having an emergency bill review session. But now…they’re in full blown argument-mode
What-had-happen-was…earlier that day, Keli received a text-alert that their joint bank account balance was -$87.23. This was strange because she just checked the account Tuesday and it had over $500…and she wasn’t expecting anything that big to hit and take them into the red. So she called Thomas and asked him if he made a purchase.
Come to find out, Thomas bough a brand new controller for his part-time DJ hustle.
Well that set Keli off. But because they both were busy at work and had stuff to do afterwards, they agreed to table that discussion till later.
It’s now ‘later’.
And with time to prepare a strong defense, Thomas was ready for her.
He came out swinging first with accusations of her being too controlling with the finances.
Shocked at his audacity, Keli swings back with the ‘you always make poor and selfish buying decision’ blow to the dome. He expected that. So he slips it…and goes over the top with the ole ‘hypocrite’ haymaker, citing past accessory and fitness equipment purchases she made.
They go back and forth…blow for blow. It got ugly.
It’s now 10:05pm. They’ve calmed down…some. But it ain’t over.
She heads up to bed. He goes to his man cave to calm down before retiring around 11:30.
What Motivates Human Behavior?
What makes people do the things they do?
Often times, conflict abounds because we can’t detect motives through behavior. Sometimes, all we see is the result of a deliberately thought out course of action without knowing the motives behind it. And when we try to make sense of their behavior…if we have no reference to gain understanding…then we dismiss it as asinine and nonsensical.
But is it really? Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the famous 5 Love Languages series of books doesn’t think so. As he states in his book Loving Solutions: Overcoming Barriers in Your Marriage (1998), everything we do – good, bad, or otherwise – is motivated by a powerful drive to satisfy a need.
He lists five needs that motivate human behavior. This article would be too long to cover all five. But through the chaos of Keli and Thomas’ relationship, I’ll briefly just touch on two: the needs for love and freedom.
Need for Love
Much of our behavior is motivated by a need to give and receive love. In this context, love is a feeling you get when you feel someone genuinely cares for you, your well-being, your interests, and gives of themselves for you.
Giving love in this fashion…you can controlled. But receiving love the way you want to receive it…no so much.
See, what’s hidden from our view in the Keli and Thomas drama, is what motivated their behavior.
Some background: Keli grew up in a two-parent household. Dad loved golfing, fishing, camping, and all manner of manly sport…except mom and his kids — at least that’s how they felt. Her mom and sibling longed for their dad’s love and attention…the likes to which he gave to his personal pursuits. But the never received it. So Keli learned that if she acquired or controlled the things people loved, then they will love her too.
It’s called the ‘transfer of status’; which says…if I acquire the status symbols that someone loves, then they will transfer that love for the status symbol to me. This might seem misguided, but don’t judge Keli to harshly. Women of all ages do this same transfer of status with their vaginas, breast implants, and money to acquire the love and attention of men…IJS.
For a long time, if Thomas wanted something that didn’t directly involve Keli, she would try to prevent him from having it…feeling that attention paid to her would be replaced by the new acquisition. Keli’s behavior was largely motivated by her need for love.
Need for Freedom
On the other, Thomas’ behavior was largely motivated by a need for freedom.
As Chapman states, humans have a innate need for freedom…freedom to order their own lives…to be free from control. If one feels like they are being controlled or manipulated, they instinctively rebel. Rebelling is so apart of our instinctive human nature that we observe it from baby at infancy when a parent wants them to do something they don’t want to do.
Over time,Thomas sensed Keli’s controlling behavior but didn’t understand what motivated it. Buying this equipment was his way of reclaiming some control over his life.
If you are having a devil-of-a-time trying to figure out why your husband makes such illogical decisions…or why your wife seems so asinine at times, know…they’re probably trying to satisfy a need for love or freedom…or both.
Ask targeted questions that focus on their motives…not their behavior. For example, instead of Keli asking, “Why did you buy that controller?”, which seems logical to ask, she should ask , “Why did you feel like it was important for you to buy that controller.” The latter question takes the focus off his behavior and focuses it on what motivated his behavior.
Questions like this will lead you in the direction of better understanding your spouse’s behavior…and not leaving you constantly shaking you head in wonderment.
How can you find out what motivates your spouse’s behavior?
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Ummm, so now they’re in the negative because someone made an emotional decision? Where does wisdom ever come into play? If we all live life like this, we’ll never get far in life. Be wise and not foolish. And the wife is not controlling. She’s smart because she’s looking out for the needs of her entire family…This article is rather interesting to say the least.