When I was in junior high school, I mustered up the courage to ask a girl I had a huge crush on “Will you go with me?”

“No. Heath, you’re like a brother to me.” she replied.

“Say What Now!” A brother does not feel toward you what I’m feeling…I thought to myself.

How the heck did I unwittingly get cast into brother status…or that curs-ed friend status? More importantly, how the heck do I get out of it?

Conventional Wisdom

Conventional wisdom in junior high school was…if I am nice, polite, respectful, and considerate, then she will be so enamored with me that she will check the “Yes” box on the piece of paper asking to be my girlfriend.

But what I inevitably learned was…her affections were usually captured by the rude, disrespectful, and arrogant dude in school.

What was true then…is still true now.

Some of you still find yourselves seeking the affections of your female “friend” whose attentions are drawn towards that same stereotypical bad boy playa-type.

Or, she’s not interested in anyone. Including you!  And you don’t know how to peak her interest enough to catapult you out of that friend status without playing yourself.

Getting Out of Friend Status

Now, I’m a grown man. My wife of 17 years, BerNadette, and I, never dated. Yet, we went from being friends and co-workers to being engaged in a week.

Needless to say, I figured it out.

As a Relationship Consultant for 15 years, let me share with you how to get out of the dreaded friend status without playing yourself. The expectation is not asking her to marry you…but just to go out on a date. This should take 1 to 3 months, depending on how often you talk with her.

STEP 1: In front of her, talk about other attractive women and hypothetical examples of what you want in a future relationship. Use her as one of your hypothetical girlfriends when explaining hypothetical scenarios.

OBJECTIVE: Get her envisioning you and her in hypothetical relationship scenarios. This allows you to have deep discussions…as friends…about what each of you wants in a future relationship.

STEP 2: Start mentioning how good she looks in the same way you talk about other attractive women. Make it clear that you personally think she looks good. Don’t do it all the time (e.g., primarily when you see her in specific outfits, hairstyles, or makeup you like). Do not be flirtatious. Be jokingly playful.

OBJECTIVE: You’re psychologically equating the hypothetical girlfriend with her physical qualities. You’re also letting her knowyou think she’s attractive without playing yourself.

STEP 3: Ditch the group. Find a reason to go out with her without other people. This is not a date. You are just two friends hanging out. Continue talking about other attractve women and relationships. But do the things you would do if you were out on a date with her.

OBJECTIVE: She experiences what it’s like being on a date with you. If there’s a chance of a future together, she will naturally start catching feelings for you. You’ll know she’s feeling you if she starts doing things for you that you like or respecting your advice on various matters. The combination of her connecting with you emotionally and being receptive to your boyfriend-like behaviors is when you’re ready to take the final step.

STEP 4: Insist she go on a date with you. Don’t be dogmatic or an ogre. That’s not sexy. But be confident and assertive. Women are attracted to confident men who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it.

OBJECTIVE: You must assert your confidence that you know you are a date-worthy man that she should be happy to go out with. You are also making it clear that you are initiating a change fromfriend status to someone she could potentially see dating.

Don’t get all mushy and profess your long-held feelings for her.

Your premise is: “I think you’re attractive; I’m a smooth, handsome brotha; you’re cool to be around; I like talking to you. So I want to take you out.”

Since you have already connected with her emotionally as a friend, and she will respect your newly expressed confidence along with the assertive way you stepped to her, she will be intrigued to find out who this new person is and where this will lead.

This is not a guarantee that she will fall deeply in love with you. But it’s a respectable way to get you out of the friend status and on an official date.

Men, what do you need to do to get out of the friend status? Ladies, what has worked for you?

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