Sir Talk-a-Lot UPDATE:
Today marks the first time Sir Talk A Lot and I have been in the office together since the Shutdown. So I knew that I was going to be in for it today. It’s just a matter of what foolishness I would have to endure and for how long. And true to form, he enters the office…piddles around for a few minutes…then makes his way over to my cube.
He doesn’t enter my cube, but gets his Tool-man Tim’s neighbor-on and stands at my 2:00 position with his head just over my partition. I look up…to speak. But when I do, I noticed a piece of gray matter dangling carelessly in the wind. He launches right into a conversation about…I can’t remember…because I was distracted by the dangling gray matter. So I had to focus in on it. DAGIT!!! It was a booger dangling between his gray nose-hairs – caught…like a helpless insect in a spider web. And the 45⁰ angle at which I had to look up at him gave me a direct line of sight.
So I tried to focus on his eyes…my computer…his ears…his hair…anything but that booger. Sometimes I’d slip up and catch a glimpse because it would move…or shift. And I didn’t want that thing to fall out onto my desk.
After about 10 minutes, he moves to the front opening of my cube. I’m hoping it fell out in the transition. But it didn’t. Now the conversation shifts to his son and football. His son plays high school football and, according to him, he’s really good. So he goes on and on and on about his son, the coaches, the other team members, their parents – you know…regular Sir Talk A Lot loquaciousness. Then, on cue, he heads for my chair. DANGIT!!! I was hoping he wouldn’t go for the chair! Now this dangling booger presents a clear and present danger to the homeland…or should I say…my cube-land.
So I’m on high alert. Now I HAVE TO keep an eye on it. Because if it launches, I need to intercept it once he leaves. So as I’m sitting there…silent…listening to more football stories…keeping tabs on the threat, I notice a dark cavernous space – almost like a black-hole – in my peripheral that shouldn’t be there. I try to ignore it but it keeps emerging and disappearing. I’m praying…hoping it’s not what I think it is. But it is.
This bamma’s zipper is down. And I mean all the way down. And the way he’s sitting…and moving around…animating football stories…that jount keeps gapping open. Now I’m doomed. I have a physical threat from the Northern hemisphere…and a visual threat from the Southern. Frankly, I didn’t know what to do. Twenty minutes go by. I’m sweatin’. And mad. I’m struggling to pay attention…and…to not pay attention.
Finally he gets up. But he’s not done. He simply backtracks. He returns the opening of my cube…and continues more football stories. Five minutes later, he goes back to his Tool-man Tim position…and continues more football stories. The visual threat is now gone, but now I have to see if the dangling booger threat still exists. It’s a partial! Meaning…a piece of it fell off somewhere in or around my desk. SPAMMIT!!! He continues to talk about his son and football. He leaves and comes back 3 times with 3 different stories about his son at an amusement park, his son in the school cafeteria, and when his son met the FBI agent. But all I can think about is figuring out how I can get Seal Team 6 to find that missing piece of booger – like when they found Bin Laden. Fortunately, the lady that vacuums the office comes today. I guess she’ll have to do.