“Honey, we have to paint the bedroom.” “Honey, we have to discuss what we’re going to buy my cousin for her birthday party.” Honey…this…” and “Honey…that…”
If you’re in a relationship, does this sound familiar. After 15 years of marriage, it does to me. But more than a honey-do list, does your relationship have common goals? Goals differ from the rudimentary tasks of a honey-do list, which are what I call Task-Oriented goals. Yes, they are goals…and are indeed common goals for the family, but I’m not talking about these Task-Oriented kinds of goals. The common goals I’m talking about are much more magnanimous. I’m talking about Purpose-Oriented goals.
Purpose-Oriented Goals
Remember my favorite Qool-Couple Priscilla and Aquila? They accomplish Purpose-Oriented goals. Purpose-Oriented goals are goals that establish the direction or purpose for your family. They identify what behavior will and will not define the culture of your household. They establish how the children will be parented; determine in what neighborhood your family will move; decide how the two of you are going to manage life for the next 3 years while one spouse goes back to school; determine how the two of you will financially plan for retirement; figure out how the two of you will assist your daughter, who is now a single parent. This magnitude of scale is what Purpose-Oriented goals are.
The Necessity of Task-Oriented Goals
But Task-Oriented goals are not to be spurned. They are essential in learning how to create, manage, and accomplish Purpose Oriented goals. In fact, those that have a difficult time navigating Task-Oriented goals will have an even more difficult time understanding how to wade through the turbulent waters of executing Purpose-Oriented goals as a man and leader. This becomes even more difficult when you add the complexities of understanding a wife and/or children. Handily grasping how to manage Task-Oriented goals will prove to be a huge asset in every future leadership endeavor.
Does your relationship have Purpose-Oriented goals…or just Task-Oriented goals? One of our Purpose-Oriented goals is preparing to down-size. We’re thinking about retirement (although I’m 19 years away). We’re thinking about moving someplace where the cost of living is cheaper that the DMV so we can save more money for retirement (and so I can get my RV – shhhh!)
What are some of your Purpose-Oriented goals? What important moves are you making?
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We’re working on a few purpose-oriented goals at the moment like trying to find a home in one of dream neighborhoods to ensure our children are in great school districts and we’re working towards deciding on a new car purchase because being a one car household isn’t working for us anymore. I definitely think it’s great to have a good mixture of purpose- and task- oriented goals to keep us on the same page and to keep our relationship growing.
I agree. K. Elizabeth. What I found was that the more task-oriented goals I successfully accomplish, my wife trusts my decision making process on purpose-oriented goals. Thanks for sharing.
To the aurhor: I believe that K. Elizabeth said that she and her husband are making decisions together – not that her husband is making decisions for her. I see that you had to put it out there to let people know that you are the decision maker in your marriage. That is fine if this is what your wife allows you to do. Not everyone lives by that rule.
Jeanette, I did not ‘put out there to let people know’ that I am the decision maker. Stay in context please. I was merely bring reiterating the point of this article…that as a husband, by successfully accomplishing task-oriented goals, my wife trusts my decision making process on purpose oriented goal. My decision making process includes: presenting all the fact to my wife, analyzing and discussing the available options, I hear her point of view; and she hears mine, then asking her what she wants to do. Based on the conversation, there may be a clear choice. I confirm that choice with her to make sure we both are on the same page. If there is an either/or decision that has to be made, we discuss who is willing to compromise. And no matter who does the compromising, I confirm that choise that is made to make sure everyone is on the same page.
This decision making process that my wife trusts. Because she feels she has a say in the decision. And she feels that my recommendations that we discuss always has her “best interest in mind “(her words not mine). And if they don’t, then she’s sure to interject them. See, here’s the thing, as the leader in my family, I’ve taken the responsibility to safeguard this decision making process. No…its not written on the wall like the 10 commandments. But we’ve created a communication style that follow this process. And if we start moving away from it, then I try to make sure we get back on track.
So you are correct in saying that my wife allows me to be the decision maker. The reason she does is because she trust me…that is she trusts that the decision making process we follow. And that trust was build over the years of seeing me follow this similar process for small unimportant task-oriented goals.
So, you make decisions together. Ok, then say that. You may be the initiator and planner, but if your wife is not on board with what you present, then it won’t happen. So the you are not the decision maker. You are the fact-gatherer.
I’m not trippin’ off titles. Decision maker, leader, fact-gatherer, whatever. You can call me whatever you like. The bottom line is when it’s time to make a decision, my wife trusts my judgment and decisions because she trusts my decision-making process. She trusts that I will include, consider, defer to, and weigh her perspective into my decisions…be-it we discuss a decision together like you and your husband do; or if I’m in a situation where I have to make a unilateral decision that affects both of us. She trusts that the way I make decisions and the final decision will already include her input.
Now that I’m thinking about it…its more like this. We have a decision making process for our household that we both follow. It’s the process I outlined previously. And we are both cool with that. So if a unilateral decision is to be made…and it follows that process…neither one of us has a problem with the decision – even if it’s not what we wanted. The fact that our opinions were considered in the making of the decision…everybody’s cool. Now if that process is breached, then we both may feel some kinda way. And the offense is that you breached the process not necessarily the actual decision itself.
Now the tricky part is knowing what she would want, say, or do in any given situation. And that’s what I’m working to master.
I don’t know any woman who would allow a man to make a decision for her. He can do some fact-gathering (and even make suggestions) so she can make an informed decision, but at the end of the day the decision is hers to make. Women need security and if a decision does not present her with that she will not be on board with it. This is how things work in my house…my husband respects me and puts me above all others (except God, of course), including himself. There is no power struggle or need for leadership and decision making on one person’s part if you have a Christ-centered marriage and you consider others before yourself. Thee only titles my husband are proud wear are that of a LOVING husband and father. One of the reasons I married him is because he has many characteristics that my father has. My dad who has been married to my mother for 45 years NEVER ego-tripped. His joy came from seeing his family happy and well taken care of. You see I read these articles from time to time for entertainment purposes and it is funny because it never ceases to amaze me of all the people who are lost looking for answers from strangers on the internet. My heart goes out to those who didn’t have role models growing up that modeled what a real marriage should look like and think they have to rely on some formula or model made up by men who enjoy being followed. Anytime you reduce marriage to a business relationship or sports organization something is wrong. All you hear are so-called Christian men talking about leadership (to gratify their pride) yet you do not hear anything about love which is what they’re called to do. This is what they should focus on.
Your quote “Women need security and if a decision does not present her with that she will not be on board with it.”
My wife told me this very thing in year 3 of our marriage. I grew to understand what she meant. There are 4 different kinds of security she need: physical, emotional, financial, and relational security. As a man and new husband, I really didn’t know what that meant. I just wanted a checklist of things I could do. So I had to figure out what each one of those ‘securities’ looked like to her.
What I eventually learned was that there was a feeling associated with each security requirement. So in a round-about way, I had her answer the question, “I feel secure when…”. She ran off a list of different ways she feels secure (that’s how I came up with the four categories). Now armed with a list, I could check off each box: when X situation occurs, do Y and she will feel secure. Over the years, my sense for her security became so instinctive that I could foresee a situation that was going to make my wife feel highly vulnerable and fix them before they happen. For example, we went to a funeral out of town last year. We ate breakfast at 8:30am but it was 3:00pm and we hadn’t eaten since. A situation arose where my cousin was going to make a food run. I wasn’t going to go. But the way the money was being collected and who else was going to go, I just knew the orders would get messed up and there were going to be some unforeseen issues develop. So I decided to go to make sure my wife got the specific of vegetarian food she could eat …otherwise it was have been a mess. Well, as predicted, unforeseen issues happen and a 30 min. food run ended up being a 1 1/2 hrs. But because I was there to get the kind of food she could eat, and text her the drama that was unfolding and my attempts to stop it, she felt secure. Hungry…but secure.
Jeanette,
Perched atop of the coliseum you sit…looking at all of the unfortunate people below with sorrow that they missed out on the great fortune of growing up in a loving two-parent family with good, real Christian values. A family where mommy and daddy loving cared for each other and their daughter. And where daddy’s joy came from seeing his wonderful family so well taken care. And woe to those that didn’t marry a loving wonderful husband and father like I did…who respects me and loves God, me, and then himself – in that order.
Seriously? That’s how you feel?
I don’t know if you know it or not, but that sounds arrogant and elitist to me. You say that “My heart goes out to those who didn’t have role models growing up that modeled what a real marriage should look like…” Well it also sounds like you’re sticking your nose up at them too. Where is your so-called Christian compassion.
This Christian understands that not everyone is not privileged to grow up like you did. And I am dedicating my life to helping men and women that didn’t grow up with all your family and love and respect and coping skill and leadership skill and relational skills…to acquire these things that you obtained by noble birthright. Not everybody can afford a professional counselor to get these life-skills. Praise God for those who are willing to take the skills they learned in their years of marriage and help other couples…for free. Instead of your heart going out to them, I challenge you to do more. Rather than entertaining yourself at the plight of the lost looking to find a way to help their family, why don’t you take your privileged heritage and upbringing and help some of these people instead of sitting perched atop the coliseum shaking your head in pity at the lesser below.
Mr. Wiggins, I re-read what I wrote and I’m sorry if I came across as being arrogant. I didn’t mean it that way. I do feel blessed to have parents, aunts and uncles who modeled what a godly marriage should look like. I’m just saying that I wish more of our young adults had role models. That’s all.
Making decisions doesn’t always have to do with trust. For example, just because I don’t allow my husband to decide where we live doesn’t mean that I don’t trust him. That is a decision that has to be made together. Why? Not because I don’t trust my husband but because it will affect BOTH of our lives – not just his so although he may have my best interest at heart that is a decision that still needs to be made by us both – if one is not on board then you don’t make the move. I’m not going to become mindless and and let you choose your way because I trust you. And more importantly, God may be speaking to me about certain things and He definitely trumps anyone in my life!
Point taken. That’s how I think it should be done.
It’s clear that your household has a certain way that it operates. And contrary to your opinions, I respectfully believe that there is some leadership in family. Know it or not, you’ve been articulating it all along. Let me explain. Even though you’ve been saying the way your family makes decisions is not the way my family makes decisions, your family still has “a way”. Your “way” as a predetermined process. It has rules, structure, and violations. And if your husband violations those rules and structure, then you won’t allow him to move forward with the decision.
See, this is exactly what I’ve been studying…and teaching. The dynamic that you’ve been describing is called a system. It’s not called love, or respect, or anything else that people like to think marriage is about. Love makes you want to deal with the people within this system…and respect describes how you do it. But it’s called a system. And the “way” that you’ve been saying your family (system) operates is through what is called power. Before you patently reject that, hear me out. I’m really not accusing you of doing anything wrong.
The concept of power is neither a good or bad concept. It has a perceived negative connotation because power is sometimes associated with ‘abuse of power’ or ‘power-trippin’. But the concept of power is not bad. It’s just power. Power is the control over the access to or distribution of resources. Examples of resource are: time, resources (material, financial, and/or human), informational, punishments, affect (emotions/feelings such as love), and rewards. I call them TRIPAR (pronounced “tripper”). In your household, in every household for that matter, your “way” for accessing and distributing resources has been defined by the two of you. Buy your own admission, if your husband doesn’t follow the system for making a decision, then you won’t authorize the access to or distribution of resources. To use your example, if you don’t like his choice of house, then you won’t agree to access to financial resources to buy it. Again, the use of power is not good or bad. It’s just power.
So my point is, in your household, you operate within a system and you use power to control the access to and distribution of those resources available to your household. Leadership says that something and someone is required to make sure those rules and structure of your “way” of making a decision (your system) are followed. And what I know for be a fact is, somebody is making sure that your “way” is being followed. Something so important as this is not being left up to chance. Somebody has made…or is making a concerted effort to make sure the rules and structure of your “way” are followed. It might be you. It might be him. The roles might switch back and forth depending on the task or purpose oriented goal. But whoever it is, that person is the leader. From all you’ve shared with me so far, that person sounds like you. Maybe that’s why its unconscionable for your to believe that any man could or should take on that role as the guardian of “the way”…the leader. Maybe you’ve got that role locked down so tight that its apart of who you are…and attached to you self identity. And not having this role is scary. IDK. IJS.
I think we both have a different concept of what a marriage is about and what it is not about, so I’ll leave it at that. I do appreciate your feedback.
And thank you for your thoughtful and spirited feedback. I look forward to your forthrightness. Hope to here from you again…may on a topic on which we can agree (:o)
BTW: I posted an audio clip of me and my wife addressing a statement I hear people all the time, “Relationship takes work”. Well we explain what that work really is. It’s the first time my wife has contributed to this blog. Take a listen. https://hisleadershiphertrust.com/relationships-take-work-what-does-that-really-mean/