“And who’s that?!?!”
“That’s my co-worker.”
“Why they have your cell number and texting you this late?”
“Chris, stop trippin’! You always do that! I don’t question you…or ask who’s texting you!”
Insecure people argue about everything…and nothing. They’re constantly trying to catch you slipping. Checking your phone…your emails. Rummaging through your things trying to find anything that will validate their suspicion.
Don’t get caught up on gender, Chris can be a male or female. Matter of fact, you might be in a relationship with Chris right now.
But you love em’. And breaking up is not what you want to do.
On the other hand, you’re so frustrated with their pettiness, their questioning, and their insecurities that it feels like the only way to break free from their imposed guilt and shroud of suspicion is to break away.
So how do you deal with insecure people like Chris?
Understanding Insecure People and Their Past
Understand…insecurity is the result of someone who’s in, what I call, ‘self-preservation’ mode. That is, you were hurt really bad in your current or past relationship, and you’re trying to prevent anyone from hurting you again. So you’re in a constant hunt for familiar patterns of past pains…real or perceived…in attempt to stave them off.
You are, in effect, self preserving your feelings from being trampled again. It’s a very natural human behavioral expression.
But where it goes too far is when the whole of your relationship is circumferenced by suspicion, accusation, and inquisition. When all you talk about in your relationship are problems, then your relationship is all about problems, not the life you share together. And that’s why Chris got you looking at the front door.
4 Ways to Deal With Insecure People
So, here are four ways to deal with insecure people and maintain your relationship. The first two are knowledge you must acquire. The second two are actions you must take.
1. Know Their Past Patterns
This is very important. Self preservation mode is a natural human protective response that gets activated by a perceived threat to one’s already damage feelings. It’s critical for you to know what patterns, words, situations, or circumstances remind them of those painful past experiences and trigger self preservation mode.
2. Identify the Problem
In the example above, Chris is in full self-preservation mode because he experienced something; a pattern, word, situation, or circumstance, that made him/her feel threatened. You’re responsibility is to find out what set Chris off. Don’t get distracted by the accusations and inquisition levied at you. Ask questions that lead to them disclosing what they just experienced that reminds them of their past.
3. Standardize Your Response
Providing you’re not guilty of what Chris is accusing you of, DO NOT jump through hoops to appease Chris. That will drive you crazy and only feed his insecurities. Develop a standardized way to respond to his/her inquisition. For example, if Chris accuses you of catching feelings for your co-worker and wanting to cheat, your standard response to this foolishness could be, “No. I have no interest in them. I need you to trust me.”
Admittedly, we both know this is not going to deactivate Chris’ self-preservation mode. However, our goal here is to speak truth…not appease. Give Chris the simple truth about his concern. Require him to rely only on that truth – not the justifications of why it’s the truth. Don’t deviate from your script. Keep all your answers along this same short and truthful response.
By consistently taking this approach to all of his insecure inquisitions, you will do three things:
- Empower yourself with a strategy to deal with incessant questioning.
- Alleviate yourself from having to justify other people’s behaviors.
- Over time, teach Chris, through consistency, that the simplicity of your words can be trusted.
4. Reinforce Your Love
Lastly, associate your motives with love. Whenever possible, add the fact that you love him/her to your standardized response. For example, amend you response with, “No. I have no interest in them. I need you to trust me and believe I love you and would never do something like that”.
Let me set your expectations: Chris won’t like this short but truthful response. But consistency is the key. Over time, Chris will grow to trust you because he will learn that no amount of questioning will change your response. In effect, you are creating new patterns for Chris that will ultimately overshadow the painful ones of their past.
How tricky has your relationship been with your Chris? Or, Chris, are you making your mate jump through unnecessary hoops just to appease your insecurities?
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