Which Kind of Relationship Are You In? Which Kind Do You Want to be In?

It’s their first date. He’s nervous…although he’s trying to seem cool. He’s trying to impress her.

She’s anxious…but trying to look poised. She’s assessing all his husband-like qualities in the car on their way to the restaurant. Because she ain’t trying to waste nobody’s time if he’s not the one for her.

They met at a birthday party of a mutual friend two weeks ago. They’re both in their early 30’s. Neither has ever married. No kids.

Let’s call her Tamera. And we’ll call him David.

David and Tamera hit it off at dinner. They go out on a second date. Two for two!

After date five, their convo is starting to lean toward defining their relationship. Tammy is trying to take it up a notch. But Dave is good…right…where…he…is!

Tammy is talking about plans for the future: children, financial goal, which neighborhoods they like, and whether Dave likes to cook or not.

Dave has plans for the future too…which restaurant are they going to this weekend.

For Dave, all this convo about the future is good. But he feels it’s too soon to be talking about detailed plans for the future when he hasn’t determined if she’s the one he wants to make those plans with.

Defining Their Relationship

How would define their relationship?

Ralph Stogdill was a psychologist, organizational theorist, and an Ohio State University professor of Leadership Studies who is hailed as one of the pioneers in leadership research. But more accurately described, he was a student of people within relationships. He researched what attributes define relationships…and how that definition defined their interaction.

Stogdill’s research identified the interactions of a GROUP as 1) two or more people that perceive there is unity among them, and 2) are acting in a unified way toward society.

This is Dave all the way! From his standpoint, they both feel they are unified as a couple…and they act that way when they go out in public together. For all intents and purposes, their relationship is a GROUP. And as far as Dave is concerned, he’s ‘good’ being in a GROUP-relationship mode for right now.

But Stogdill’s research further uncovered that some GROUPS are created for a purpose or to accomplish a common goal. And each person within that group has roles and responsibilities that lead towards accomplishing that purpose or common goal. He called this kind of group an ORGANIZATION.

This is Tammy 100%! Tammy doesn’t want to waste her time if this relationship doesn’t mean anything. So she wants to define its purpose and start establishing some common goals  as soon as possible. She wants to define some roles and responsibilities. Tammy is in full ORGANIZATION-relationship mode.

How do you get on one accord in your relationship?

Just because you’re married, doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is an ORGANIZATION. You would be amazed how many marriages begin and remain in GROUPS mode for years. They have no common goals. Each person has their own agenda…financed by their own income. There’s no unity  there…and it ain’t fun!

If you’re single/dating/engaged, what do you do when one person wants to be in GROUP mode and the other wants to be in an ORGANIZATION mode? How do you handle the discontent of remaining in a GROUP mode beyond your acceptable timeframe? At what point do you feel you’re wasting your time?

And what do you ‘GROUPERS’ do to slow down the upgrade of your relationship to ORGANIZATION mode?

I’m asking because I might have the answer to your question. So tell me, what relationship mode are in? What relationship mode do you want to be in?