I saw the movie ‘The Best Man Holiday’ last weekend [non-spoiler notification]. In the movie, there was a conversation between Jordan (played by Nia Long) and her new boo Brian (played by Eddie Cibrian) that got my attention.

Brian was in his feeling about how Jordan was carrying him. He was feeling like she wasn’t into him as much as he was into her. So he called her on it. It went something like this:

Brian: “Sometimes I feel like you don’t need me”, he commented.

Jordan: “I don’t.”, she matter-of-factly replied.

She quickly realized she messed up and tried to clean it up. But Brian was already feeling some-kinda-way. I think where Jordan messed up is that she didn’t differentiate between needing Brian and wanting him. I think what she really was feeling…but didn’t say…was, ‘I don’t need you, but I do want you.’

So that got me thinking. Is it better to be needed or to be wanted?

Well, if you know me by now; I had to do some research to find out (because that’s what I do). And guess what I found out. The answer is: It depends.

Let me explain.

Quick Overview of Needs

Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1943, 1954) introduced the idea that there are five needs everyone tries to fulfill. They are known as Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

The first two needs are people’s most basic needs…the need for survival:

1) Physiological (i.e., breath, food, water, sleep)

2) Safety (i.e., security, shelter, employment).

The next two are social needs that deal with interactions with others:

3) Love/Belonging (i.e., love, family, friendship, intimacy)

4) Esteem (i.e., self-esteem, respect, mastery, recognition)

The last need is related to one’s purpose and legacy in life:

5) Self Actualization (i.e., realizing the full potential of one’s purpose)

Maslow’s theory says that after you satisfy one need (e.g., security and shelter), you move on to fulfill the next need (e.g., love and intimacy). Some argue, however, that you don’t have to strictly follow the sequential order Maslow outlined. One study showed that someone fulfilled needs #3 and #5 without fulfilling #2 (Tay & Deiner, 2011).

So…which is better: to be needed or to be wanted? Well…it all depends on how you like to satisfy your #3 need for love, friendship and intimacy.

It’s Better to Be Needed If…

If for you, the old proverb rings true: it’s better to give than to receive; if you thrive on helping someone fulfill their needs; if you prefer to use your resources (time, financial, material, informational, and emotional) to help other people…then it’s better for you to be needed.

For some, there’s something gratifying about helping someone in need. You take pride in doing it. It makes you feel good. In fact, some people need to feel needed. It makes them feel alive…like they are being used for why God put them on earth. If they don’t feel needed, then they will be unsatisfied in that relationship. And for them, that’s emotionally discouraging.

It’s better to Be Wanted If…

If you are drawn to someone who doesn’t need you or your resources to satisfy their needs; if you have a strong desire to be loved, cared for, to feel a since of belonging and acceptance with someone who doesn’t have ulterior motives…then it’s better for you to be wanted.

Being wanted suggests you have a strong need to be accepted for who you are…not for what you have or what you can provide. For you, there is something freeing about being able to be accepted…flaws, weaknesses, insecurities and all…without conditions. You long for a safe place where you don’t have to be who the world sees you as. You can just ‘be’…and be accepted.

So Which Is Better For You?

Know…that there’s no good or bad option. Neither is better than the other. In fact, it’s okay to feel both wanted and needed…based on how you’re feeling at the time, or based on the resources you and/or your mate possess.

What do you think? Is it better for you to be wanted or to be needed?

PS. Here’s What I Would’ve Told Brian >>>

SHARE THIS ARTICLE

Follow