By Allison Simmons
Every marriage has seasons of discord. Whenever you have two different people living under the same roof, somebody is going to be disagreeable about something! While irritations may come, they don’t have to turn into Armageddon. Here are six suggestions to help manage conflict when it arises.
1. Use Petitions, Not Demands
Often times, an argument is lost before the conversation has a chance to begin because of our approach. Bursting into the room and bellowing, “We need to talk right now!” may not be the best approach. Going in with both guns blazing can create instant tension and cause your spouse to immediately throw up a wall of defense. The result: they begin making-ready for the coming war instead of listening to what you have to say. Instead, try this approach: “Honey, when you have a moment, I would really like to talk to you about something that has been on my mind.” Remember, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” — Proverbs 15:1.
2. Use Letters or Notes
If you are a natural hot head, it might be better to take the time to write a note to your spouse expressing how you feel. Writing out how you feel and having the opportunity to edit (and re-edit) allows you to slow down the emotional pace and gives you time to work through the facts and your emotions. It will also help to neutralize any negative tones that may be lurking. Let’s face it – sometimes we are so angry we cannot hide the rage and it seeps out in how we are speaking.
3. Pick A Day, Any Day
When you choose to pick a fight is just as important as how you pick a fight. You may want to think twice about picking a fight on a Monday morning — right at the beginning of the work week– or on a Sunday morning — right before church. There is nothing worse than having a major blow-out fifteen minutes before church and then spending the next two hours smiling and faking your way through a blessed Sunday service. It may feel artificial, but taking time to figure out the best time to deal with a difficult issue is really worth the planning it takes. Treat a date with a dicey discussion the same way you treat a date night or a play date with the kids. Plan it.
4. If You Do Speak, Choose Your Words — and Tone — Carefully
Not too long ago, I wanted to confront my spouse about something, but I was fully aware that I was in full blown “fight mode”. When I am in full blown fight mode, anything is apt to come out of my mouth. I chose not to speak right at that moment and decided to dump on a very close, trusted friend instead. During our conversation, this is what she said to me:
“The use of sarcastic and caustic words is destructive, and there is nothing spouse-honoring, self-honoring, or God-honoring about it. It is just self-focused, self-protective sin.”
This statement went straight to the truth. Sarcastic and biting words are not designed to heal or fix, they are meant to hurt, tear down, deflect, and discourage. For every scathing word that my husband has launched during a fight, I would be lying if I said that I was not capable of producing a well-aimed barb of my own! And guess what? It rarely led us to a productive place! If you can’t keep it civil, it is best to stay quiet or go to a trusted friend or confidante to vent. **
Note of warning: TRUSTED is the operative word here. Be extremely careful with whom you choose to share your marital struggles. Not every smile is a kind one, and not every listening ear is attached to a helpful heart. Only divulge to those who have a proven track record of supporting and fighting for the survival of your marriage.
5. Remove Words Like “Never” and “Always” From the Conversation
It is difficult to refrain from saying “You never. . .” or “You always. . .” when your spouse has done that thing he/she does . . . for the 421st time! It will take some practice, but instead of using those phrases, keep the conversation focused on how your spouse’s behavior makes you feel. Phrases like “I feel bad when you…” or “It annoys me when you…” may help your spouse to keep the focus on your feelings rather than on the feeling of being attacked.
6. Consider Counseling
Sometimes, couples reach a point where they simply cannot work through a tough issue by themselves. Professional help may be needed. Seeking out a qualified couple’s counselor will provide both parties a forum to vent with a third, objective party acting as mediator. At times, the counselor may have to even separate the two of you for a time for one-on-one counseling to gain a fuller understanding of both sides of the conflict. Don’t panic if this happens. This is normal, and often necessary, when tempers are running too high to be productive. Having the opportunity to fully vent your complaints, without interruption, often helps to clear the air and illuminate a path towards healing.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with all of this, don’t worry about trying all of these suggestions at once. Practice one or two of these strategies over the next month or two and see if it helps with getting over the hard hurdles to a more peaceful place! Learning to fight smarter can, with practice, lead to a much happier and healthier married life together!
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Need assistance with trying to reconnect with my wife. We have been married for 15 years and separated since 2/12/14. We don’t speak often since she has moved into with her mother’s house. I want to reconcile my marriage and my wife wanting a divorce over different issues in the marriage. She refuses to talk to me and when she does she is so angry and hostile. My opinion feels that we are not ready for separation nor divorce if, we can’t stop and talk in a calm manner after two months apart. Please give advice husband wants to save marriage. Thanks, in advance for your assistance.