By Heath Wiggins
They were an entity of two people that acted in a unified manner towards one another and society. They were the classic definition of a group. But God didn’t created marriage as a group, but as an organization with three common goals: to fill, subdue, and rule. And each person in the marriage has a roles and responsibilities: male-mankind is ‘to work it and take care of [things]’, while female-mankind’s role is to be a ‘suitable helper’. But these two critical functions where not present in their marriage.
They have three children…so they got the ‘fill’ goal right. And they each had different roles and responsibilities towards accomplishing that goal, which I think you can figure out what they were (and if you can’t, then you need to re-read ‘The Birds and the Bees’ with your parents.) However, they didn’t have their ‘subdue’ and ‘rule’ goals locked down. The reason why is because they couldn’t agree on them. Since this couple didn’t have a common goal to pursue, they didn’t have defined roles or responsibilities in their relationship. Each person just did whatever they felt necessary at the time. He did what he felt was right according to his own understanding and preferences, and she did the same. Since these two critical pieces of their relationship were missing, there was no leadership in their marriage.
As a result, their individual decisions were causing major conflict they couldn’t resolve – for 9 years. They disagreed on everything from the finances, to family priorities, to the amount of time spent at work, to parenting practices. Intimacy, sex, quality time – out of the question! Communication? Only with issues concerning the children or to coordinate schedules with one another.
This couple is a prime example of the dangers of having a group-structured marriage. There’s no leadership — because no leadership exists within group-structured relationships.
Maybe you’re not married…but you’re engaged or dating someone you’re considering marrying. Any relationship that’s structured like a group has no direction. It has no focus. It has no common purpose. Y’all are just…‘together’.
For newly dating couples, like David and Tamera, who are not ready to go to the next level, that might be where you want to be right now. There may be no need for leadership. So a group-structure is fine with you. And that’s cool.
But if you’re in a relationship that’s leading towards that next level of commitment, or if you ever want to have a relationship that’s more than a self indulging, self gratifying experience of relational masturbation, then you must structure your relationship like an organization. You must have common goals. You must have different roles and responsibilities. You must have a leader that leads the two of you in the direction towards accomplishing those goals if you don’t want your relationship to fail. For the absence of an organizationally-structured relationship will have a devastating impact on your happiness and peace of mind — as you can see by the misery this couple has endured for the last 9 out of 12 years of their marriage…scratch that…it’s now 12 out of 15 — and they’re getting divorced.
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