Some time ago, I hosted a small men’s group meeting at my house. About six men showed up. One of the guys was lamenting about how he and his wife had been struggling in their marriage for the last 9 out of 12 years. The D-word came up several times. Both being Christians, he wanted to try and make it work. They tried the marriage-counseling thing. They did the marriage-conference thing. They even did the accountability-couple thing. But none of those things worked.
After some probing into what each one’s perceptions of the problem might be, I gained a sense of what the main issue was: their marriage had no leadership because they were operating as a group instead of an organization (see the difference between a group and an organization in previous post or the glossary).
If you’ve read any of my previous articles, you’ve heard me talk about leadership in terms of a group vs. organization. I admit…these are not sexy terms when referring to a marriage…or a relationship. But, as you’ll see, they both serve as the foundation for predicting the stability and success of your relationship. So indulge me if you please.
Relationships vs. Organizations
There are two differences between a group and an organization (hover over the links to see a definitions). One, an organization is a group…with common goals. A group does not have goals. Two, members of an organization have different roles and responsibilities that lead towards accomplishing those goals. And wherever there’s an organization…leadership is present. Because leadership only exists inside an organization.
BUT SO WHAT!!! What does this have to do with your relationship — you ask.
Well my friend, to answer this question, we need to go all the way back to the first chapter…the first book of the bible…Genesis chapter 1
Genesis Chapter 1 (Heath Wiggins Version)
See-what-had-happen-was…God created the heavens and the earth. That became the blank canvas on which He was going to create everything else. Then, over the next five days, He goes through a series of “Let there be’s”. He ‘let there be’ light, water, sky, land, vegetation, day and night, seasons and years, creatures in the water, birds in the air, and animals on the ground. And after all that, he said it was all good. Amen! (Thus concludes the Heath Wiggins abridged version of Genesis 1:1-25)
Up to this point, God had not created man yet. That comes in verse 26 when, “…God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness…” (NIV). Now…there’s a lot of debate among theologians about the meaning of the word “us”. I’m not entering that debate. But I will say that the word “man” is a generic term for mankind. Continuing in verse 27, God “…created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” (NIV)
Take note, in the previous ‘let there be’s’, God did a lot of prep-work before he created mankind. Now…male mankind and female mankind have been created. Here’s where it get’s interesting. Verse 28 continues, “And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (NIV)
God has given male and female mankind three goals: 1) be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth, 2) subdue it (to bring under your control), and 3) have dominion (have governing authority to rule) over the fish, birds, and everything that moves on the ground. Take special note that these three goals were given to male and female mankind before they were living, breathing, flesh-baring human beings walking the earth. These goals were given to mankind’s spirit (not to be confused with God’s Holy Spirit).
An aside: Did you notice the significance of the sequential order in which God created everything? It was very deliberate. He created everything that mankind would need to survive and accomplish the three goals he gave them…before he created them. So don’t think you can’t succeed wherever you are in your current situation. God has supplied everything you need to do what He has called you to do. He set up the environment before you even got there…so that when you arrived, you would be able to do the work He put you there to do. So don’t spurn undesirable circumstances or less-optimal conditions. It might just be that He created that situation specifically for you to carry out His plan with full faith and trust in Him.I digress.
Where were we…oh…moving on to Genesis chapter 2 >>>
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This sound very familiar. Two people have to be willing to do the work to change the situation. If you go to counseling but are unwilling to do the work and insist that you have done nothing wrong, then the relationship is not salvageable. If your friends are not for marriage, then no one is holding you accountable. The Minister did question his leadership. He was unwilling to listen. Great article! Keep doing what you are doing. Hopefully you are able to save many many marriages. Although, I am headed toward divorce, I hope to learn ft my mistake and will keep doing my work!
Sad to hear you’re headed down toward divorce. I hate hearing that. But sometimes it’s unavoidable. Unfortunately, this is all too familiar for many couples. Both parties need to be willing. They might not be able…counseling can fix that…but they must be willing to fight for their marriage more than they want to fight for their right to be ‘right’. I developed a practice of voluntarily loosing. That is to voluntarily yield to my wife’s preferences and decisions. Sometimes it’s because I want to keep-the-peace, and sometimes it’s just so she can feel like her preferences are valued. One time, I decided to go to the restaurant she wanted to go to, even though I didn’t want to go to that one. It’s a small thing. But she felt so appreciated because she was feeling that she was always the one giving in to my preferences (of course I didn’t feel that way).
If I may be presumptuous, I don’t know you or your situation. But if its not to late, and if it’s a matter of leadership…one way a wife can help her husband be a better leader is to give him charge over things that he’s good at. Then reward him heavily when he succeeds. Rewards him in the areas of Love Language. That builds his confidence – even though he will never admit he needs his confidence built. Then repeat. As you begin to trust him more, give him more areas to manage autonomously. Your biggest challenge will be yourself. What I mean is, the act of doing it is not difficult. It’s managing your emotions while you’re doing it. For, you might get irritated at the fact that you have to jump through all these hoops just for him to do something that you can do by yourself quicker and better. But like you said, if you’re willing to put in the work, the situation might change. Like I said, I don’t know you or your situation, but I felt I needed to offer whatever ideas I have…even though I’m shooting in the blind. Have a great day and thanks for comment. If you’d like to be notified when I post new article, please like my Facebook page and/or sign up for my email list.