Straight Casper! There he goes again! You bring up an issue about your relationship that yall need to seriously discuss, and this bamma disappears emotionally…like the friendly ghost. Rolling his eyes. Sucking his teeth. And, you are yet again stymied by your husband’s consistent attempts to avoid conversations.
But it didn’t use to be like this. You use to talk all the time. I mean, he was never Dr. Phil, but he knew how to engage in a conversation. But that was back in the day. Now…straight Casper!
So how do you reopen the lines of communication again? How do you get your man to start opening up to you again?
Well, the issue is not just with him. It’s with the two of you. See, the lines of communication travel both ways. Most communication behavior is learned. And by learned, I mean, certain kinds of communication are rewarded…and certain kinds are punished. In a marriage, communication is like a highway. It’s used to transit feeling and information from its origin to its destination. But if the poe-poes are out there handing out tickets on a certain stretch of highway, then people will likely drive slow to avoid being fined. Additionally, if there’s a lot of congestion on a certain stretch of highway, then people will likely avoid that route or wait till the time is better to travel on it.
Generally, if a spouse’s experience has been that he will likely be fined for traveling down a certain road (i.e., topic), then he will slow down (i.e., not talk that much). Likewise, if his experience has been that talking about certain topics will take more time than he wants to spend on it, then he will avoid it all together. This is not gender specific. Women feel the same way about certain topics as well.
Again, communication patterns are influenced by the amount of punishment (i.e., fines or congestion) one feels when talking about certain topics. To fix this, you need to create an atmosphere where both of you feel free to talk about certain issues, feelings, concerns, etc…without being punished for sharing them. This will help reopen the lines of communication with him.
But let me warn you…sometimes men shut down their communication because they don’t know how to tell their wives what they really feel without 1) hurting her feelings, 2) causing a huge, unnecessary, self-inflicted argument, or 3) being mean, disrespectful, rude, or insensitive.
So if you open up the lines of communication, I can assure you that you’re going to hear some things about yourself you’re not going to like. Your feelings might get hurt. You will feel the need to defend yourself and retaliate against him with things you don’t like about him.
Don’t do that! Doing so might damage your communication permanently. Let him say what he needs to say…without punishing him for saying. After all, don’t you want him to communicate more? So here’s how you do it.
- Ask your husband, “What are two things you wish that I did that would make me a better wife?” He will think this is a set up. Reassure him it’s not. Tell him, “We’ve been married for # years and I think it’s time to switch things up a bit. So tell me, what are two things you wish I did that would make me a better wife?”
- Whatever he tells you, so long as you don’t feel like you’re compromising your morals or faith…give it a try. Even if his request is waaay outside your comfort zone…or even though you probably have 18 valid reasons, with documented justifications, why you shouldn’t do it, I understand. Just give it a try anyway! Because like it or not — this right here…this new style of interaction…is accomplishing your goal of getting him to open up. It’s establishing a precedent for how you will communicate with one another in the future. See…instead of talking to him about wanting to communicate better, which to him feels like the poe-poes with a radar gun, just start communicating better. And asking him what he wants…then giving it to him…is the inroads you must take in order for him to later ask you the same question. But if he asks you right away, say, “No. I’m not focusing on me. I want to know what you want from me right now.”
- After he tells you, say “Okay…thanks baby!” Give him a kiss and walk out the room. This will have his head spinning. He won’t know what to expect.
- After a week, ask him again, “What can I do to be a better wife?” Hopefully, he won’t say the same thing because you’ve been doing what he asked. As he’s thinking about it, ask him, “How have I been doing with [the first two things]?” Whatever he says, don’t respond negatively. Just receive it as information for how to be a better wife. If he has anything else, do those too. I know…you think this is crazy and one sided. But trust me…this works.
- Depending on how good you do at what he asks, he will feel obligated to ask you the same question. That’s when you give him the top two things on your list. See…now you have set the new standard for how to talk about issues in your marriage. By you doing it first…and him receiving the benefit of getting his needs met without having to ask you or complain about something to get you to do it, he will be inclined to do the same thing for you.
- Every week, go back and ask him the same question. And he will feel obligated to ask you the same question too. Now…you’ve established a weekly relationship refresher that ensures you can freely discuss anything without the withdrawal, shutdown, or arguments that go with talking about sensitive topics.
This strategy worked for me when I had serious issues to discuss about my wife’s ‘wifery’. I asked her first. Then, usually two weeks later, she asked me. That’s when I hit her with my laundry list. It also works with dozens of my clients.
I know it’s scary to do…because you feel like you might be taken advantage of or he will never ask. That is the risk. But if you completely do what he asks, he is most likely to ask you too because there are no fines or punishments associated with it.
Will you try this strategy? What other methods have you used to get your spouse to open up?
Follow