I was talking to a young woman about her fledgling relationship. “He just be doin’ stupid stuff! None of it makes sense!”, she lamented. She went on to say that she feels she always has to correct him and tell him what to do”. I responded:
“…You want him to think like you…make decisions like you…do things the way you do them. You want to date yourself!”
“No I don’t!” she said laughing
“Yes you do.”
“No I don’t. I just wish he’d stop doing stupid stuff!”
The point I went on to make with this young woman was: men and women think differently. I know this is not breaking news. But a study done by the University of Pennsylvania is.
See…the left hemisphere (side) of the brain controls logic and judgment, while the right side controls creativity and emotion. This study looked at the brain activity of 949 children, adolescents, and adults aged 8 to 22. They consistently found that males have more brain activity within each hemisphere…but females have more brain activity across each hemisphere (Khazan, 2013).
What this means is: when doing a task, men tend to engage one side of their brain (the left or the right) – a whole lot; while women zig-zag back and forth between the left and right sides – a whole lot. “This could mean, for example, that men tend to see issues and resolve them directly, due to the strong connections between the “perception” and “action” areas of their brains, while women might be more inclined to combine logic and intuition [emotion] when solving a problem” (Khazan, 2013).
This kind of geeky stuff fascinates me. Because I deal with so many male/female issues, I clearly see the differences in how men and women make decisions and solve problems. Neither way is better than the other. But when one person sees her way as being ‘right”…and his way is “stupid”, you end up:
- trying to control the other person,
- devaluing their preferences and perspectives, and
- exalting your perception of reality and truth as fact – leaving no room for alternative approaches.
This is their recipe for a fledgling relationship.
If you are in such a relationship – be it the controller or the controlled, here are three things you need to do to salvage it before it’s too late.
1. The Controller: Check Your Superior Attitude
Your attitude of always having to be right is killing your relationship. Stop being so selfish. You don’t have to be wrong…just let your mate be right sometimes too.
2. The Controlled: Assert Yourself With A Few Simple Words
Assert yourself by stating your position with a few simple words (e.g., I don’t want to do that.) and let every action thereafter reinforce your position. Listen and be respectful. Repeat your position if necessary. But don’t cave. Don’t give in.
3. Both: Create A Decision Strategy
Come up with an acceptable way to disagree and make decisions. (I intentionally didn’t say ‘agree to disagree’; because ‘deciding to disagree’ is not a strategy for making a decision or solving a problem.) Create a simple non-bias way for how decisions will be made when there is an impasse…regardless of the issue. For example, on smaller issue where my wife and I are trying to decide between two different options, we rate…from 1 to 10…how much each of us wants to do A or B. We make our decision based on whose desire is greater (of course there must be trust in order for this to work).
By the end of my conversation with the young woman, she got it. She later told me that she apologized to her boyfriend and pledge to stop trying to control him…and that she will let him have his way more often.
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