Now that we are done with our 7 Days of Sex experiment, here are 5 things I learned that will help our marriage…and hopefully help yours.

1. Sex is not the most important thing for me (anymore). Sex is not the most important thing for me (anymore)… friendship and connectivity to my wife is. Sex is a need. But that need takes up a minuscule percentage of my week…compared to other interactions I have with my wife. So our friendship and connectivity is the glue that makes being with her enjoyable. Otherwise, I’m just having sex with someone I don’t care about. And that’s very dangerous for me.
2. The act of sex is not what makes sex special. The act of sex is not what makes sex special, it’s whether you actually want to have sex with your spouse. Otherwise, you’re just checking boxes. And a calendar filled with checked-boxes doesn’t a happy marriage make – for either party.
3. Box-Checking is sometimes necessary. But box-checking is sometimes necessary. For us, sex when she’s tired is just going to be a check-the-box moment. We need to make sure box-checking sex is the exception…not the rule.
4. Patience and Understanding is required. The negative stigmatism about sex that Bernie received from growing up in the church has found its way into our marriage. I need to give her time to work through her feelings about that. So I’m going to have to turn the dial up on my patience level and do a 1 Peter 3:7a, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way…”
5. Communication is key. I already know communication is the key to happy successful relationships. But I’ve found these two aspects of communication to be more important:
   • How you talk about sensitive subjects. How subject-sensitive can you be with your spouse? Can you discuss ultra-sensitive issues without the aftermath of disgust, discord, and disconnectedness? Can you share with your mate what you feel, or do you only share what you feel your mate can handle? We need to create a better environment where we feel safe bringing up and discussing sensitive issues without damaging our relationship. This will prevent feelings of discontent from festering. How? I’ll let you know when we figure it out.
   • Accepting Feedback Without Correction. Are you and your mate able to accept feedback as information on how one feels/thinks…and not a misinformed accusation that needs to be clarified and corrected. For real…this takes a lot of maturity to just shut up and listen to your spouse say something about you that you think is wrong. But you should listen to him/her. Because that’s when you hear their heart. Instead of trying to correct their understanding, you should focus on correcting your message so that he/she understands correctly.

Do you think doing the 7 Days of Sex experiment will help your marriage?

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