A single black woman on Facebook posted an encounter she had with two separate men. It lit up a firestorm of men vs. women in the comments. Let’s call her Nicole. 

Two men from Nicole’s past, in two separate conversations, both claimed that they were interested in her and wanted to ask her out, “but she never gave them a chance.” She frustratingly replied to both of them, “You never ASKED for a chance!” See…Nicole’s assumption was, if a man wants to go out with you…all he has to do was ask a simple question, ‘Would you like to go out?’.

Was she wrong? Is it really that simple?

From a woman’s perspective…yes it is. Not so much from a man’s perspective.

A single black man, we’ll call Duman, is a 44 yr. old, tall, clean shaven, slender build, divorced gentlemen. We stumbled into a conversation about women, while eating dinner at the bar in Friday’s. Duman, self admittedly, has no game. He told me about an incident where he was sitting in a lobby in front of a beautiful woman. Every time he looked up, she was looking at him. But he didn’t know what to say. When he got up to leave, she stopped what she was doing, looked up, and said “How are you doing?” “I’m fine. How are you?” he replied then left the room. When he got to his car, he beat the steering wheel ferociously because he regretted missing the opportunity to ask her out.

The fact is, some men have game…and some men don’t? Some guys know exactly what to say to a woman…and others are seized by fear…and paralysis-of-analysis just to come up with an opening line? But why is this so difficult for men? 

Lack of Confidence

The #1 reason why a man is afraid to ask a woman out is lack of confidence. 

Confidence is your belief that the outcome is going to turnout as expect.

So when those two men failed to ask Nicole out, they didn’t have confidence that she would go out with them…so they never asked. In Duman’s case, he straight-up didn’t know what to say…his mind was completely blank. So he had zero confidence that he would be able to ask her out.

So the issue is, how does a man build his confidence. Here are 5 exercises a man can do to build his confidence with women…without playing himself.

1. Learn How to Start a Conversation

There are hundreds of ways to start a conversation. My rule of thumb for conversation starters is to ‘comment on the now’. Whatever is happening right now, comment on that. ‘That’s a nice cell phone. What kind is that?’, These trains are never on time…right???’, ‘I love your shoes. They’re cute…but are they comfortable?’.

Come up with three conversation starters. Practice them. Get them down pat. Use them on people you know first. Gauge their responses…how they interact with you afterwards. Having tested, successful conversation starters is a great confidence builder because it removes the awkward ‘what do I say’ feeling you have in social settings.

2. Eye Contact and a Smile

Remember when you use to get caught in a lie with your mother and she would say, ‘look me in the eyes and tell me what happened’ to see if you were lying. There is something very powerful about eye contact. Your eyes convey authenticity. If you don’t feel confident, it will show in your eyes. You’ll tend to look away or avoid direct eye contact. However, confident people will look you straight in the eyes when talking to you.

To build your confidence, practice looking people in the eyes and smiling. Pick 20 random people…at work, on the train, the gym…and practice it. Notice their reaction. I bet they will smile back at you. Some will even give off a good vibe like it’s okay to approach them. This exercise will give you the confidence to know whether it’s cool to approach a woman based on how she responds to your eye contact and smile.

3. Always Be Learning

Since the 1970’s, more females graduating from high school and college than males. The black community has the largest gap between male (57%) and female (69%) high school graduates. And only 34% of black males vs. 43% of black females graduate from college (NCES, 2012).

Some men are intimidated by women who have more education than them. To build up your confidence to talk to these women, you must always be learning…so that what you say and do matters…and adds value in her life. Otherwise, she’s likely to put little stock in his opinions. Watch the news, read magazines, and articles on a variety of topics in order to stay current on relevant information for someone your age. Just being aware of different topics will give a man confidence to voice his opinion in a room full of listening women. And The deeper his level of understand, the more he can wax eloquently and impress the honey’s. Besides, asking a woman’s opinion is a great way to start a conversation.

4. Good Leadership: Learn How to Make Good Decisions

A trustworthy man knows how to lead in such a way that a woman wants to follow you. The greatest indicator of your leadership ability is your decision making. Neuro-scientists have shown that people make decisions in two ways: intuitively (swerving to avoid an accident) and analytically (planning to go grocery shopping).

If you find that you’re making poor planning decisions, there’s something wrong with how you analyze information. And that analysis is impacting your judgment about what is right/wrong, good/bad, and appropriate/inappropriate. So focus on how you analyze information! Strong analytical abilities will help you build the confidence to offer suggestions to an educated woman…and then stand by them without wondering if you made the right call…because you are confident in your strong analytical judgment and decision making.

5. Be Creative with No Money

I know…the club/bar/lounge scene requires money to buy a lady a drink, pop bottles, or get a VIP table…so you can ball. But if your money is short, that shouldn’t diminish your confidence to ask a woman out. That’s when you’ve got to be creative.

Meet her for coffee, invite her to your gym on a guest pass, go hiking, biking, or running…or pack a lunch and do a picnic — or a free concert in your area. Playa…you’ve gotta get creative if you ain’t got it like that…yet! Being creative gives you the confidence to ask her out…with no money…and still be able to take her somewhere unique, fun, and interesting. And that’s what makes you stand out from the crowd of big money ballers.

So…what do you do to build your confidence?

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