The wonderful thing about asking anonymous questions is that men can ask questions about sex that they wouldn’t ask publicly.
Last week, we launched a campaign to offer free relationship advice. And we’ve been getting several questions about what’s up with the male sex drive and sexual performance as men get older. This is a hot topic for men…but not often publicly discussed.
Here’s a question a married men over 40 asked…and my response.
Question:
How can I get turned on like I use to when it’s not working so well?
Answer:
First let me tell you what not to do. DO NOT try to get yourself turned on by looking at porn, porno-magazines, dirty flicks…or whatever you could use to get an erection. That stuff will only last for that moment. And it won’t help you get turned on when you’re with your wife…when it really counts!
‘Getting turned on’…as you call it…is primarily a bio-chemical thing. Without getting all ‘urological’ on you, as men…our ability to ‘get turned on’ is largely controlled by our testosterone. The higher our testosterone, the more animalistic our sex drive is. As we age, generally around our 40’s, our testosterone levels (T-levels) start to decrease. When our T- levels decrease, so does our sex drive. Our erections aren’t as firm as they used to be, and they don’t last as long.
This is perfectly normal. And there’s absolutely no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed because of this. Just as a woman can’t control when she starts her menstrual-cycle and when she will end it, neither can man control when his T-levels will increase nor when they begin to decrease. It’s what my 77 year old father calls “the aging process”. The only way to avoid it, he says, “…is to die young.” I choose to grow old!
Some specialists/doctors say, however, that decreased testosterone might not be the only cause for a decreased sex drive. Diabetes, depression, and high blood pressure have also been shown to cause a low sex drive as well.
Make an appointment with your doctor to have your T-levels checked. It’s a simple blood test. No rectal exam necessary. If they are low, there are prescription gels (AndroGel) you can buy that you rub on your chest or underarm that can increase your T-levels. No Viagra needed (unless you want it).
Also have him/her check for diabetes and high blood pressure just to be safe.
Whatever the reason is, not getting turned on is your body’s way of telling you that something is going on internally…not a result of something or someone externally failing to excite you. That’s why I warned against using porn as an external stimulant to get you turned on.
MEN, if you’ve noticed a difference in your sex drive…or your sexual performance, that’s completely normal. So, before you start beating yourself up, withdrawing from your wife, or blaming her for not turning you on anymore, get a blood test to check your T-levels.
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Having so many issues in my young marriage that Im not sure where to begin. The main thing is that my wifes love for the ministry and lack of what it feels like love for me is making life difficult for me, I know this wont change but I need to have a life outside of wanting more from her to stay in this marriage successfully.
Hiw can I get that youthful vigor back? When I can just look at wife and be willing and able to penetrate. I want that again!
Tradal, there’s a lot about your situation I don’t know so it’s hard for me to answer your question. However, if you go to this post and submit a question and provide me the details, then I can respond to you privately via email. Thanks for taking the time to inquire.
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