For the love of God, would you please stop using divorce as a way to solve marital problems!?
For the last few months, I’ve been giving relationship advice on my website. People have been submitting their questions privately, using an alias to protect their true identity, and I respond directly to their email address. Nothing gets posted online.
And let me tell ya…yall got some ‘issuzzz’! I’ve gained a new respect for what it takes to create and sustain a successful marriage. Because these people don’t live in the fairy-tale world of the ideal marriage situation. You know…man and woman meet, they fall in love, get married, have some babies – go through some troubles along the way – and live happily ever after.
Nawww…homie. Real, everyday, ordinary, good people are dealing with real gut-punching issues like adultery, abandonment, lose of affections, his children don’t like the new wife…and her children don’t like the new husband – type issues.
And to their credit, those that have reached out to me for advice are trying to find a way to solve their problems and make their marriage work.
But the thing that’s gets-my-goat about their problem solving methods is how easily they talk about divorce as being an option for solving them. So let me make this crystal clear to everyone…if you’re going through problems in your marriage like the ones mentioned above; or if your spouse won’t listen to you, is too controlling, isn’t freaky enough, or won’t communicate with you, let me tell you like I told all of them:
1. STOP Using divorce as a Problem Solving Tool!
Divorce is not a problem solving tool. It is a marriage ending tool. You don’t solve problems within your marriage by ending it. That’s like getting a cut on your leg and amputating it instead of treating the wound.
Do couples get divorce? Of course. Is divorce sometimes necessary? Indeed. Even Jesus gave just cause for divorce under certain circumstances (I’m not discussing that topic now, but if you want some references, see Matthew 19:1-12 and Mark 10:1-12).
But if you want to stay married and not end it, or if you want to solve the problems within your marriage and not escape from them…then you must STOP considering divorce as the solution to your problem. Especially those of you in your second marriage…because you have precedent.
2. STOP Using the Threat of Divorce as Leverage to Extract Compliance!
You must STOP using the threat of divorce as leverage to extract compliance. You are being manipulative and using coercion to get what you want. And that’s evil. It’s also lazy. Instead of committing to do the work required to seek common ground, you’re opting to use a weapon of mass destruction as a threat to get your mate to bend to your will. As Lauryn Hill suggested, you might win some, but you really lost one.
3. STOP Using Divorce as an Excuse Not to Mature as a Husband or Wife!
Grow up! Prove you are the loving spouse you profess to be. Be more understanding and empathetic of your spouse’s thoughts, preferences, and desires. You don’t always have to have your way. That’s selfish and you’re devaluing your spouse. The sign of a maturing spouse is how empathetic your decision making and interactions are with your mate.
4. STOP Using Divorce as an Excuse to Quit When Marriage is Harder Than You Think it Should Be!
Marriage is only harder than you think it should be because you have a pre-defined level of effort you planned on exerting. And now that the demands of marriage require you to learn more and grow more…you want to quit. STOP using divorce as an excuse to quit! Use the challenges you face in your married as an excuse to be the super hero and do the unbelievable…improve your marriage!
Yes…it’s hard. Yes…she makes you mad. Yes…he hurt you. Yes…her children are coming between you and your wife. Yes he violated your trust.
But if you want to fix it…and not end it, then take divorce out of the equation and get some help.
Fa-real tho…the reason why some of you married couples can’t fix these problems is because you don’t know how. I mean…really…who taught you how to solve marital problems. Your mother? Your father? Some workbook you read in premarital counseling? There are a host of professionals, relationship coaches, ministries, etc… that are dedicated to helping couple work through their problems and keep their marriage together. Do this for me…use them! Set aside your pride and use them!What do you have to lose…but your marriage.
We even offer an alternative program to counseling called The Co-Operative that work with the individual or the couple as a whole. We teach you what to do, then train you how to do it…because knowing what to do and how to do it are two different thing. Then we track your progress and troubleshoot your issues WHEN they arrive. Contact me if you want some more information about it.
So for those who are going through some ‘issuzzz’…but want their marriage to work, cut out the divorce talk. It’s not a problems solving tool. It’s a marriage ending tool.
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I do not desire a divorce and agree that problems need to be resolved and that you must be all in if you want your marriage. However, I have been waiting for a year for resolve but nothing. Its like he is satisfied being separated and leaving me in limbo. we still see each other, we just don’t live together. He thinks he knows it all so therefore he is not seeking any other alternatives on how to resolve and work on our situation. According to him it can’t be fixed and he cannot come back to the same problems. But how are they supposed to be fixed without discussion, compromise, understanding, just to name a few? I don’t think it is fair to make me wait this long without deciding one way or the other. How long should I wait? or how should i approach him in a conversation about it? I know people that never have gotten divorced, just moved on….its crazy!!
When people say, “it can’t be fixed”, it’s another way of saying, “I don’t know how to fix it.” I see this all the time…in both men and women. One person hits a threshold of their understanding for how to resolve relational problems and he or she thinks that all options have been exhausted and there are no alternatives to be tried.
This logic is simply not true. That’s like a 10th grader saying, this calculus problem is too hard there’s no way to solve it. Well, actually, there is a way. He either doesn’t know how to solve it, he’s making a mistake in his problem solving methods, or doesn’t want to take Calculus in 11th grade to learn how to solve the problem…because right now he’s only taking Algebra 2.
See right now, you both are trying to solve Calculus marriage problems using Algebra 2 problem solving methods. I don’t even know what problems you’re going through. But whenever couples talk about “I know how to fix it”, but their solutions aren’t working…and then resolve that it can’t be fixed, it means they’ve reach their threshold of understanding. And for them, there’s nothing else that can be done. What I usually see with my clients is that the solution is right in front of them, but they don’t want to make the sacrifice to do it.
Absent of this understanding…that he needs to learn or acquire more information to solve his existing problems…he won’t feel the need to take responsibility for finding a workable solution. For he feels justified with his current understanding and approach to dealing with the issues at hand.
This is the reason why it seems like he’s making you wait. It’s not that he’s making you wait. He simply doesn’t have anything else in his toolbox that he knows how to use to fix the relationship. The fact that yall still see each other means that he still wants to be with you. So try, if you can, not to think of this as something he’s intentionally doing to you. Rather, he just doesn’t know what else to do to fix the marriage.
So what should you do? That’s the million dollar question. If you want to compare apples to apples, however long it took him to decide to propose, it’s fair to say that he should be allotted the same amount of time to consider whether to stay or leave. But I don’t think you should give him any more time. I think a year is a sufficient enough time for him to make a decision whether to commit or quit. So what I’m about to share with you is a way you can approach your husband to get him to make a decision. I have to warn you, you are going to have to push passed whatever frustrations and emotions you have about your relationship problems and sell it. But, you will at least get him to move toward making a decision one way or the other.
Ask him out on a date. Get dressed up. I’m talking about Missy Elliott – supa-dupa fly – on him! Go to a nice restaurant, or supper club, or lounge. It would be ideal if you went to the place where he proposed to you (if that’s possible), or to some memorably significant local venue for a date. Keep everything light, easy, and fun.
At the very end of the date, tell him know you had a great time. But right before you leave…or before he drops you off, say something like,
“You know [name], I love you and I still want to be married to you, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. But I can’t do it by myself. You’ve had a year to figure out whether you want us to do whatever it takes to work out our issues…or not. And it’s time for you to make that decision. So think about it, and the next time we talk, you need to let me know what you’ve decided.” Pause to let that sing in..but don’t let him rebut. Then continue with…“When you proposed to me, I said ‘Yes’. When the preached asked us if we will commit to the vows we pledge to God and to each another, I said ‘I do’. And right now, I saying again, ‘Yes…again. And…I still do’. Now you have to decide for yourself if you do too. So just like your proposal started this whole thing, it will be your withdrawal that ends it. The ball is in your court.”
Then touch him gently on his hand…to signify that you’re done talking, the night is over, and he has an important decision to make…then walk away and go into your house.
Warning: Don’t say it with an attitude, because it will spark a confrontation. You need to say this with a pleasant facial expression so he won’t feel defensive. You don’t want to be confrontational. You want to be assertively informative.
He might want to discuss what you just said. Avoid that. Just walk away and say “Call me or stop by when you’ve made a decision. Good night.” And keep walking. You want to avoid any further conversation about what you said because, while he’s driving away, you want your words to ringing in his ear.
If you do it right, he will have a fun filled night out with his supa-dupa fly wife, and a straight up challenge to his manhood (but in a good way).
Now I can’t guarantee what he will ultimately decide. So you have to weigh for yourself if you ‘can handle the truth’…whatever it might be. But I believe this approach is a respectful way to get a man to respond to this situation.
I hope this was helpful in some way…even if it might be over the top for you. Please keep in touch with me and let me know how things are going. If you would, please like my FB page and follow me on Twitter so I can keep in contact with you.
Whew bro, it is tight but right. And I concur — ladies and gentlemen, there will be times when SOME things will NEVER be resolved. And then there are other things that require TIME to evolve or devolve — if you divorce before the time of “hatching” then you forfeit the prize from the battle and the wait. You have to decide and be more mature about deciding that the issue is ESSENTIAL to the survival of the relationship. If it is a deal breaker, deeper talks are needed. But don’t let the essentially small issues become large ones simply because you are playing the “get the most toys before we both DIE” game. Agree that you will sometimes DISAGREE and keep it pushing. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose but in a divorce — BOTH lose. Just moving it on? Yeah, sometimes that is what you have to do. You have to decide whether the THING or the union is the most important. Preserving the union MAY involve dropping the thing.
I do see your point and understand where you are coming from but I don’t think that when people decide to get a divorce they are just using it as an excuse. I agree with you that a relationship does require a lot of work and compromising because there would be a lot of issues that would arise and that is what will test the relationship and love for each other. If you are in a relationship, settling these differences to keep the relationship should come natural and is something that makes you happy. Once you feel that you are no longer happy to live with that person I don’t think that there is anything you can do to, You’ll just end up giving up on the relationship and the longer you stay in it the more pain you’ll cause each other. In my opinion those people that decide to get a divorce are trying to avoid inflicting more pain on themselves and the person they’re in a relationship with.
– Tavia Cruz
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